still crashing...

morganstanleydeustchebankcitigroupoliverwymancreditsuisse

2009-12-22T18:57:00.006Z

I should be channeling my non-professional ability of stringing words together into cover letters for investment banks that I'm not even really that fond off...
Find it really bizarre how I still manage to sit here and have thoughts running through my head at 3am, after what seemed hours of clicking through career websites and then pool and sheesha (which kind of hit my head, but definitely hit my lungscough). I swear I need to take on that whole quitting thing again, although my reasons for doing it didn't really apply to when I'm home - the whole too-many-things-to-do-but-too-little-time issue.

But the thing is I kind of have my ~~excuses~~ reasons now for spending time my inhaling shit into my already screwed up lungs.

In the middle of the night.

Because we kind of bond over that bong of sucidal crap. or the other alternative which I completely suck balls at - pool.

I don't know if he feels it but I do.

Feels like we're friends again. After 3 months of foreign, distant, msn messages. (and only a handful of times, mostly on irrelevant subjects, sometimes either one of us drunk, sometimes just a couple words of formality).

Sometimes I feel selfish not giving him space to vent, especially when I'm whining all the time

How do you tell a person you care, but not by actually saying it?

cuz tis the season for celebrations

2009-12-20T16:48:00.003Z

and missing the way your fingers intertwined between mine.

But as much as I do want to, I can't sit around waiting for you to make up your mind.

No metaphors, no censors

2009-12-14T17:00:00.000Z

There was a point of time in my immature teenagehood (which, is now coming to an end - bah!) that I screwed around a bit. I don't know why I did it, but I knew that it made me feel good. After this amazing guy let me down (which I still find he's an amazing friend), I had this constant need to prove to other people, or rather, myself, that I could get any guy that I wanted. Which is almost very possible, depending on how you would define the term "get". If there's anything that requires raging hormones, you probably WILL score big if you were to be just relatively better looking.

Of course I got my heart broken, even though I thought I didn't even care enough for anything like the sort to happen. But I did care, and it was slowly just eating into me - believe it or not, you do get tired after a while. It took one massive screw up to tip me over- I constantly told him that we're never going to happen, partly because I did believe it, and also because I felt that it kind of gave me control of the relationship. The fact that I knew I could waive it away whenever I got bored, and still be able to say 'I told you so' kind of gave me a kick.

But he was a better player.

In fact, he was the real player. Screwing around with 3 girls, and telling people about it but still not having them find out for months? (for my case, until a few hours ago in a coffee shop) He was definitely more out of it than I was. And he got out before I DID!

DAYMNE.

I rebounded. with the person whom I clearly thought was the one, my amazing friend. And believed when he told me that everything happens for a reason. Funny enough I believed that HE was the reason, even though at that point of time, things were so unbelievably complicated. Fingers crossed, I waited for my miracle to happen.

But then a few weeks in, something reminded him about how it didn't work out in the first place. I was annoyed and disappointed when he told me he's calling it off because he feels like he won't be able to give us 100%. "and even when 2 people give each other 110% in a relationship it might not even work out, how do you expect to give it a 50-50 and hope for it to work?" . It didn't make sense at the time, I felt like he was just using the excuse for being pussy and not giving it a try at all.

But it make sense now, the way I feel now does.

I wouldn't say I'm completely fine with whatever that just happened over the past month, that I feel nothing of sadness or disappointment, frustration or angst. The lack of it did surprise me, and I thought maybe it was because I was being let down too much, that I have gotten used to it. But then I realise one thing is that I don't regret it at all, because I know that I've done everything that I could have done, giving it 110%. Taking a step back when I wasn't sure, thinking everything through before moving ahead.

It turns out that although it didn't give me a happy ending, giving 110% does work. Because you heal better when you know that there isn't any "what could have been if i did this or that". I knew that the problem wasn't me, and I got around to empathizing, not in a i-dont-want-to-move-on way, but in a good way.

And most importantly, I know I will always still have that amazing friend right next to me, nudging me with approval and encouragement.

Here's the end of my phase, and I've learned to be a bigger person.

fuck it. i'm done being nice

2009-12-11T02:11:00.001Z

because people stop caring the moment you stop acting like a bitch.

The way I am

2009-12-07T11:55:00.002Z

Because sometimes it's just not worth giving a shit about the fucking game, or bothering to defend yourself against what other people say. Who cares what they think anyway?

I've tried to pull the walls down only to have that bloody abused and fucking trampled upon. People know when you are getting sucked in. And most people take advantage of it, even the ones you never expect to. But fair enough, cuz you won't ever catch me that much off guard. Happiness don't last very long, like that pair of jimmy choos or a new teddy bear - people get bored of it.

Why be contented with what you have when you can have so much more, right?

mellowness and heart flips

2009-11-24T01:31:00.003Z

Tired, and knee-fucked.

But she gives me so much inspiration I could choreograph to her entire album.

So much better live than I can remember her on record :)

I guess things like art, music, dance.. sometimes they are good when you can relate.

After all its about being expressive.

And I like her because she sings and writes so honestly.

I miss my piano, and I hardly even touch my guitar over here, what with lugging it across the globe and spending 35quid on a shit amp

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I'd find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me the way I am

Philo essay

2009-11-22T21:41:00.002Z

Was supposed to be doing that philo essay due, but then I got caught up philosophizing about my own little world.

Couple of things have been annoying me lately. The way things don't quite work out the way you plan it in your head. And also, disappointing people, not doing things you're meant to be doing, or you said you'd do. Because time management is so, fucking hard.

People think I blatantly whip up excuses of being ill, having injured my knee and what not. Sometimes, I too, find myself a wimp coming up with lame excuses. I can do better!!!!!!!!

Don't even realise it until you've been told in the face. Maybe it's just about less complaining, procrastinating, and whining about everything. But. Why is it not justifiable to give yourself a little time to relax, in between one of those never-ending lists of commitments.

It irritates me how some people around me are just so freaking jobless, but they get the things they need to do done. Be it last minute or not, at least they have a more promising CV than I do.

And then they comment about the non-existent purpose in my everyday business. Why ever have a passion for music and dance? When you can get away just perfectly fine without having them? Why feel the need to be sad, the want to be sad, when you give up something you indulge in, you enjoy, when you know its probably not going to give you anything else practical.

I know I'm doing crazy subjects that are just bloody sucidal, and when I just shrug and give them a nice smile, they don't know that I'm actually just panicking, knowing I wouldn't do well, knowing that it won't be because I can't do well, but that I'm not disciplined enough to lead the life I want to have.

I want everything from uni.

I want to learn about the things I'm interested in, I want to do things I'm good at, I want to make many friends, acquaintances, or maybe just happen to find a little bit more than that.

And also
I deserved my fucking part.

why
is it so difficult to give things up.

Happiness in a Purple Box

2009-11-14T14:18:00.002Z

I've got mine,
Have you??

Lin in her happy bubble

2009-11-09T21:47:00.001Z

like a 5 year old with candies for christmas :D

Sorry the blog is so dead. I fail to come up with any mildly amusing/entertaining every time.

Essay due in 3 days.

0 word done :)

i <3 Jazz ! :D

Complete MIA

2009-10-17T00:12:00.002+01:00

Yes and now we have internet in the flat, which means I am very much distracted from work (wow, it's only week 2 and i'm working), downloading the pretty much 30 odd albums, making my itunes library a 16 day loop.

The house party is tomorrow :) we'll see if i can be bothered to make bloody puddings.

I do actually enjoy the cooking - done absolutely nothing today but cooked a pot of wonderful chicken casserole, just like the ones lourdes used to make.

Just so people know I'm still alive, watching the 1 or 2 odd episodes of topgear I have left on my hard drive (THANK GOD for bittorrent now I can actually download more into my very pathetic stash)

Oops i'm meant to do something about the China trip.... in terms of journal-keeping. bah. Pictures will do- next time. Right now - WORK! (and its a Friday night, whatever happened to the Lin you used to know?)

young punks.

2009-09-25T18:33:00.008+01:00

collar up sunnies on with a bluetooth headset driving a beamer.

stereotypical cock.
or the guy that i completely fell for...

good to know the dei that I know is still somewhere in there

LOL jeremy clarkson. who isn't watching topgear nowadays?

roast beef.

2009-09-23T17:00:00.002+01:00

Sometimes it gets a little too frustrating, dilemmas that I could never speak of to a soul, plainly because it's not anyone's problem to deal with, not even mine.

To be fair, I don't really have a say, I never have. Either ways, I lose. What's the point of planning strategy to a losing battle?

I've been stalling for a while now, plainly just sucking it up and covering ~~one~~both eyes, counting down the days I would have to go by dodging those questionings and interrogation. I guess my best bet is just to keep my distance for as long as I can.

From that, I just feel exhausted, having no one relevant to seek advice from, plainly because I can't put the situation out in facts and words well enough to explain to someone else let alone to weigh its pros and cons. I'm just as confused as a cow staring at a nuclear explosion.

4 days till the hectic schedule starts again. Balancing social life, a career path, academic performance, physical fitness, my passions (dance and music), isn't quite as difficult and mind numbing as where I stand now.

Of course I do complain, sometimes I wish I could go on a week whine-detox and completely rid of my nagging and moodswings annoying various people.

On a brighter note,

fuck it. I don't have any bright notes to sing about melodiously today.

China photos will have to wait.

hello from casino land

2009-09-01T14:59:00.005+01:00

Left dimsum land today via ferry after much overdosing on siumais and never-ending shopping sprees.

view out of the hotel room :) staring at them pretty nightlights blinking in the dark right this moment

daddy's favourite shop. lol vip discount wtf

guai leng gou

$$$$$$$
and eggtarts

need to go swim the calories off..... maybe tomorrow :p

ps: when i mentioned less indulgent the last time, I really thought so. But so far trip's been nothing like workworkwork but more of eateateat stuff myself and get a massively round stomach. so much for doing something more productive for the rest of my holidays
zzzzzzz

mentalllllllllllllllll

2009-08-27T18:34:00.002+01:00

still feeling the after-effects. >.<
1 day left to the 1 month china trip
finally something less indulgent for my summer hol

i'll miss you :)

Our drunken champagne escapades

2009-08-18T18:43:00.000+01:00

Admittedly, it wasn't a very rational idea in the first place.
But since when does alcohol & rationality come hand in hand?
Yet in the end, I'm probably the biggest loser from it all
Turns out what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I really wanted.
False hopes and disappointments aside, it's already put a toll on our friendship.

Was it worth it?

i'm invisible

2009-08-19T17:05:00.000+01:00

and stupid as hell.

Can't help the guilt everytime I get angry at someone who's feeling down all the time.

So I take it out on myself.

longest weekend yet

2009-08-21T07:08:00.001+01:00

lol
Yih wei's birthday on Saturday,
and i got him Chuck Season 2
(from the pirated dvd shop)
So he can hog the tv 24-7.

I'm such an amazing sister

I'm watching

2009-08-16T19:31:00.009+01:00

SKINS

First 2 or 3 episodes were way too much nudity, sex, drugs and booze. But it grew on me after a while. definitely worthy of it's higher rating on IMDB than most American teen drama series.

Finished season1 in 2 days.
I need to get a life.

This one is for aitert

2009-08-15T18:13:00.001+01:00

New girl of #53, Jillian

I don't know what overcame me, but it was so overwhelming and unexpected. One minute I was skipping up that 4o over steps going to that familiar house that used to be my second home, next I'm standing in a queue of a potluck party, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous that I am at the verge of sobbing.

I walked into the house and how strange is it to find a place completely different yet exactly the same at the same time? I was standing in the circular area next to what used to be the living room TV looking out into where a pond was. I thought about the days we used to have tuition in here, and watch cartoons together afterwards. Oh and also, spinning to the broken gym cycling machine. It surprised me that I could remember exactly the way it used to look like, this was the first time I've been in that house after she's moved out 3 or 4 years ago.

She didn't understand a word I was saying when I called her on the phone, squatting at the very gate I used to squat at when I was locked out of my own house. Haha, don't worry, I'm not weird. I squat by those drains to avoid the scorching sun while I was back then in my scratchy school uniform, waiting for her maid to come get the door. Anyways, it's pink now, not the familiar white anymore.

btw tert, this is ur pink gate LOL

At this point I was laughing and crying at the same time, I told her I miss her, and gave her a little update on how I was feeling lately - emotionally unstable. It's not that I'm depressed and confused. I really can't place the feeling, it's so odd. It's like I'm feeling really inspired at times, and it's days like that that I really have faith and things. I didn't have to come till today to realise how precious our friendship is, and how easily things can pick up from where we left off, how even though we've changed so much or disagree with each other's perspective, our support for each other is still rock solid.

After the supposedly potluck rukun tetangga ss19 party, I went to join aunty jackie and some Bilden friends for drinks at JayaOne. By the time I've already forgotten about my camera, obviously. But it's a nice place to chill nevertheless, and I'll make up the lack of pictures with a stolen link of review :p

here. http://www.eatnplay.com.my/?p=3344

It's only today that I found out that she and I have the same dream about UNICEF. This sort of proves that it was no mistake at all putting her down as my reference in my CV. lol. Well, then again, she's more of a godmother to us Bilden students I feel, not just a reference. Everytime during our sharing sessions we learn alot about our different perspectives in life, how we're most likely all having the same problems. ~~Well, besides my beloved brother, we came to a conclusion that his life is empty >.<~~ ~~Nah, he just doesnt share well.~~

Anyways, I feel blessed to have such an amazing mentor and guidance that I can seek to once in a while, knowing she'll always have a way to make you see the other side of a situation, and the bigger picture of life.

I have yet to find a balance with my logical and emotional self, but I think this is just a phase that everybody goes through. I think so far I'm doing well though, cuz at the end of the day, I can still spit out a string of positive thoughts before I go to sleep.

Even so, I feel sorry for friends who seem to be drowning in their own problems sometimes, I feel helpless that I can't make a difference by saying things and trying to explain how inspiration changed the way I think about stuff, making them feel the way I do. And aunty jackie's passion is one huge chunk of inspiration. Bilden helped me through alot of that soul searching business, how to be free and creative, take life one step at a time, and try not to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. (Only we didn't really notice it when we were like 7)

Like haiming said, Life's too short, so live it!

unnatural

2009-08-14T18:20:00.000+01:00

It's like putting a deadline on something that you absolutely cannot control.

I've said that I'm not looking at the moment, that I'm taking a break from all this. Yet, he still doesnt trust me better for making the right judgements - we'll get back on track when he's absolutely sure that I won't make myself miserable again, being when I've found my significant other.

The thing is I'm not miserable. Actually, its very much far from that. I recall all our immature bantering and thumbwars on the long train ride, none of them were any bit miserable at all.

Feeling so helpless about rescuing our friendship.

Hopefully he'll be right, that some good things will come knocking when you least expect it to. If it means I'll have my close friend back, I'll wait :)

By the way, my favourite little fatty's turned 12 21!

Oh dear, look at him eye-ing the cake(sssss).

There's one close friend right there that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

My beautiful grandparents

2009-08-13T17:32:00.008+01:00

This will probably be our last one.
And dad needs a wardrobe make-over

I saw this picture of us and it was like I wasn't angry anymore. Lately, I've felt more understood, by just people around me. It made me consider understanding abit more, before I start judging and taking sides. To be honest, we're all still slaves to our temper and impatience, that was what came between us in the first place. Yet we held it together for a while now, it's no doubt us 2 children have became the pillar. It's tough being in between, and I'm still in the process of learning how to let go. I may not be good enough just yet, letting my temperamental moods hurt those that care so much, but at least I'm trying. Can't help but think, if only we could be as much big hearted and forgiving as my dear grandparents are. They've done so much to keep our family together.

Often, we lose sight of what's important because of what we want now.

pets wonderland downsized, again :(

2009-08-12T06:03:00.000+01:00

i want a puppy

I've been happy lately

2009-08-09T11:51:00.000+01:00

Not so-happy-until-can-die happy, but just contented. I guess mediocre, relatively busy lifestyle could be great after a bunch of downs, especially when I'm kept occupied.

Saw this a few days before on Panda's msn:
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, then we'd all fall off!

That guilt that eats us up

2009-08-10T20:29:00.001+01:00

Why are there lines for physical attachment,

but none for emotional?

Because I thought this time it was gona be different

2009-08-08T11:43:00.006+01:00

All I can say is- been there, done that.

Lately I've been saying that to myself alot, yet I still let myself dig the same holes and make the same mistakes. The thing is, I don't think that I've learnt enough yet. Everytime a situation comes along, I say to myself, This must be it. This time, I will toughen up. This time, I won't let myself slip.

But in the end of the day, its the feeling that doesn't go away, no matter what time of the month it is. It's not just pressure, drive or lust. It's that you care.

And it's true what they say about caring less giving you the upper hand. But that's one of the things that I cannot bring myself to do. Not caring.

Hence, I give myself all the excuses in the world to have that little bit of hope. Only to have it knowingly crushed, stamped, and trampled upon.

But it's okay, because this time I'll see the light as it is. No what-ifs and no maybes. It only takes a little courage to save a friendship, and I do treasure them very very much.

This time, I will toughen up.

it's been busy... but I do miss them already.