still crashing...

I felt calm

2012-01-24T01:11:00.000Z

I finally know what it means when he said "dance from an honest place". Today, I found that place for me. It wasn't at pointing my feet or opening out that fan kick, neither was it at keeping my balance at the turns, doing deep plies or jumping mighty high. Its the place where your breathing goes with your movement, in and out, holding and letting go. For a moment, everything is about your body and the music, being aware of all that energy sent out through your fingertips while you stay grounded to your very last toe.

I have been waiting for that hand to reach out to me and invite me to go on and dance for the class. But today, I wasn't expecting it, neither was I hopeful. The talent in this class was brimming, with triple turns and almost 180 degrees kicks, and with arms with such softness and perfect lines. And yet, the hand reached out for me and I saw the encouraging smile in his face. I got up and stood in the middle of the room, and everything else disappeared.

I took a deep breath, and once my hand moved up my rib to clutch the side of my lungs, then rebounding away from me, I knew I found my place. I stopped focusing on where I needed to be the next second, and started enjoying the prolonged moments of stretch, contract, and release. Next thing I know I was actually reaching out for something after those chaines. Something was pulling me and it felt rather surreal. Sure I missed a move or two, but I've never felt more proud of myself, because it stopped mattering, getting the choreography spot on. I've made the piece my own. I put in every best interpretation I could throughout and it felt magical.

I didn't actually need that reassuring pat on the arm and a face full of approval to tell me that I've done it. Connect with someone. Because from what had just happened I've invited the whole world inside mine. To see things the way I see it.

Today, I have been completely converted to a religion called contemporary dance.

just a little bit

2012-01-01T08:56:00.000Z

It hurts.

But it's a new year, so we carry on looking forward to the new promises hopefully this time well kept.

Casting one look behind my shoulders, and keep walking even if I couldn't bear it. Such is life.

true friends

2011-12-21T19:55:00.002Z

They see the way you see things, otherwise they try to be utmost supportive in a constructive way. Had a satisfying chat today.

Sometimes even if you don't have a great relationship, its good enough to have enjoyable companionship.

e=mc^2

2011-12-18T16:10:00.000Z

It's funny how time and space separate events. We say "This time last year...", "The last time I was here we stood right at this very spot...", "This is the place where we used to..." etc. Certain places and dates trigger nostalgic memories, that leads to plentiful emotions spilling over. Sometimes we acknowledge it then go back to hide in our busy daily lives. But have you paused for a moment, and really looked back and see what went right, wrong, good, badly during the times when you were happy, sad or angry?

True that its best to put the past behind, but... there may be a time where history will serve you best. It may give you a glimpse, a hint if not the answer to what you were looking for, remind you of what's most important to you, and help you sensibly make the right decisions.

Today I sat there alone(albeit only for 5 short minutes) fighting a thick haze of the past, searching memories and emotions. I wouldn't say I found a clear answer, but I definitely did see an unquestionable hint that my present self did not quite like. I don't yet have the courage to do what I know is right, but maybe some day I will. and maybe when I'm ready, my actions will be appreciated and my feelings understood. Afterall, I can't keep lying to everyone including myself.

oh courage, where art thou?

Feeling a bit lost

2011-09-20T22:47:00.002+01:00

Whoever said absence made the heart grow fonder probably never experienced prolonged distance. In today's world, what happened 2 months ago hardly even matters. And to keep something intact requires so much patience, that which I do not possess.

Patience. Maybe it is a quality I should work on, or maybe the lack of it made me more resourceful and efficient.

After all, there's always 2 ways of looking at things.

Maybe it'll all be okay in a week's time. Patience.

Stability.

2011-08-15T21:00:00.004+01:00

I've recently arrived at a new chapter of my life. Thing is, I never thought turning 21 would make me feel so grown up. I guess its sort of a process rather than something that happens immediately. Its good that things are slightly more definite and predictable now adays. Apart from who my flat mate is going to be for the next year (which I'm completely stressing out about), everything else seemed to have fallen into place, puzzles fixing itself.

I've sacrificed a lot to come to this point, not just physically and mentally, with all the time-consuming, nerve-wrecking hurdles, I've also given up too much emotionally, to be here. Whether its the right thing, I do not know, but its probably the reason why I've been writing less. Putting things in a corner seems less of a chore, when you have actual chores to do every evening after a day of work (hours are great, I'm not complaining).

Some part of me still wishes that some things were different, I wish that I could find another sense of this stability in a parallel universe somewhere without sacrificing my emotions.

But then again, I find that as I grow up it becomes easier to listen to your head rather than your heart. Rationality gradually instilled itself in me, and after a while it just becomes as natural as writing my own name.

Today was not particularly miserable or depressing. In fact today was a good day. I was productive, had the sun on my face for 2 whole hours, did the whole therapeutic cooking thing (even though it was just scrambling up some left over on the stoves), had incredibly comforting left-over home cooked meal with the lemon grass in my freezer, which a month ago was still sitting in my actual garden in Malaysia. Today was a good day.

hello

2011-07-20T00:23:00.002+01:00

I've graduated!

Doesn't really feel like that much of a big hoo-haa. don't know what all the fuss is about.

Mom's been hanging about in London driving me crazy.

Also, I'm 21. Not quite sure what that means.

I've left the whole MSN chatting / blogging scene. Feeling a tiny bit lonely now that I'm signing on and noone seems to be around.

Reading back on some old post and unsurprisingly still finding myself attached to bits and bobs of the past. Maybe some day the nostalgia will go away....

2011-04-30T00:26:00.003+01:00

You have to believe in the underlying concepts in order to understand something

but what happens when you don't?

Out of character

2011-04-23T23:08:00.002+01:00

Usually this time of the year, I have many things to rant about.

But surprisingly now I do not.

So let's give this a go.

He's not the only one that gets frustrated when I keep feelings locked in just for myself.

Wonder what has become of my chitty-chatti-ness and ability to strike up conversations to random strangers.

This year most of the things I've asked for has worked out, albeit not perfectly, but it's getting there... Just in the oven, toasting. Hopefully I don't burn it.

I'm okay

2011-03-23T04:19:00.000Z

I'm okay. Don't keep asking me I might disintegrate.

Weeding

2011-02-04T00:18:00.002Z

I've cut them off.

All of them.

Now even if they wanted to call they couldn't.

Yellow

2011-01-20T00:53:00.002Z

I swam across, I jumped across for you.

Oh what a thing to do.

Look how the stars shine like your smile in my heart.

Misunderstandings. I wish they've never happened.

Scrap that.

I just wish it'd stop aching.

Gotta love Fosse

2011-01-17T22:08:00.005Z

Things have been inching towards the general direction of good lately :)

Today made me realize what I love about school - Development & Dance.

Besides, I also just had the most awesome shower of my life.

Fosse is absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to Jazz.

Back to being completely out of breath drilling routines and doing a gazillion sit ups and pirouettes. It's only gonna get more intense from now on. I have to keep reminding myself to eat for these things, it really does take a lot.

Despite being grateful I have more time on my hands now that I've given up doing Aguillera's Ain't no other man for Timeless, I sit around and watch in envy as they shake dirty moves to one of my favourite songs in my "to-dance-to-before-i-die" list.

Other than that, one more step towards saving the world now that I've secured my very first assessment centre to a real internship that could potentially be my window to a real job. Fingers crossed.

Pinky promise to myself - Gonna work hard this term! :) extra extra extra hard!

i'm so sorry - what?

2011-01-13T23:42:00.005Z

Bad timing my foot. Since when are we ever not bogged down with some kind of an issue/problem/shit to deal with? When is it ever not bad timing? You can whine all you want, but please for your own sake, man the fuck up and deal with it. I'm tired of making up excuses for you.

Fuck you.

I'm not taking your shit anymore.

perceptions

2011-01-09T12:44:00.007Z

How can you tell if discrepancy really is change of behavior, and not a mere temporary deviation?

What would you do?

Would you wait around for the usual patterns that we previously so much believed in to reoccur?

Would you move on and accept that this change is probably for the better?

What if you then realized that whatever you've decided it was, it wasn't?

Would you have regretted opportunities lost for holding on to something that was no longer there?

Would you disregard those discrepancies and embrace your previous beliefs like it's never let you down before?

Would you see those inconsistencies as the source of something untrustworthy and undependable?

Everyday I have more questions to ask.

What would you do?

Not a new year without you.

2011-01-06T18:33:00.014Z

Since those days in the back of a school bus, I knew that one day you were going to be something.

I still do.

Come that day, I'm going to knowingly say "I told you so."

You make my heart swell with pride.

And I'll love every note and every melody that you write, before I even hear them.

It comforts me, knowing the world is finally discovering your pure and amazing talent,

seeing things take a turn for you. And you deserve absolutely all of it.

If only I didn't have to miss you so much,

I'd be smiling every day and every second of my life.

Too much angst.

2011-01-05T16:03:00.002Z

Waste my fucking time on applications all the fucking time. What's the point. I don't even learn anything. I could have spent my time, studying, para-sailing, jumping off a cliff, doing whatever the fuck I want to do. Instead, I spend all this time reading through corporate websites and trying to write about how I will fit in into somewhere I clearly would have no clue what it's like unless you put me in it. But all i get is a 'hello you have been rejected but we can't really tell you why. Please don't bother applying to us for the next 12 months because seriously, you'll just waste our precious time'. Nobody even fucking bother telling me what the fuck is wrong with my fucking application.

Fuck you corporate world.

The inevitable new years post.

2011-01-02T11:36:00.008Z

Just a day late.

I don't know why I bother making new years resolutions anymore. Last year, it was breaking free and being less emotionally attached.

Unfortunately, even after reducing them from about a million to a good number of 2, I still didn't manage to keep them. Same old cycles, same old being so god damn easy it annoys me so much. I don't know if they count anymore if you're just making the same resolutions every year, but at least I feel better about myself thinking that I've made an effort to try and change these things.

I guess if there's anything I need to change this year, is that I need to start discovering the bigger picture. I need to realise that some things are actually out of the control of anyone. I need to stop trying to blame (or fix) the source of those flaws and just accept that everyone's done all they could out of the situation. We're only just human beings, and some times, the way it is is just the way it is. Bad timing, bad luck, whatever you call it, nobody could've avoided it. So, chuck those "what-if"s in the bin, and get along with your life.

Hello 2011. And as expected, every year I get less optimistic about things. Its called growing up.

Macaroons & Gelato

2010-12-17T14:03:00.008Z

"After I've been to University, I'm going to be French,

and I'm going to Paris, and I'm going to smoke and wear black,

and listen to Jacques Brel. And I won't speak. Ever."

-- An Education (Lone Scherfig, 2009)

Travelling does more than "take my mind off things". I don't know if it's because being designated navigator gives me a sense of control despite the fact I was absolutely clueless as to how to read a map a couple of years ago - it gives me some sense of an achievement and self-worth.

All these years, knowing things makes me feel intelligent, regardless of how random and impractical they may be. I guess I still have that curious and eager-to-learn side of me, regardless of how tedious I've recently found studying. I've always admired people who are able to hold a conversation about lots of things. Lots, lots, and lots of things. As a girl, I wished that one day I would grow up and know lots, lots, and lots of things. In short, I'm that person who would never go into a museum without an audio guide or a guide-book on the history of artwork exhibited.

Paris and Milan were two equally gorgeous cities, with just absolutely amazing food, amazing art collections, amazing architecture. I sound like one of those Visit (country) 2010! websites now. But honestly, the 3rd time in Paris and I am discovering those little quaint alleys and stuffy tearooms where all the French ladies go, and it gives me little flips of excitement in the middle of my (now round and flabby) tummy!

When they haven't got an English menu,

you know you're at the right place!

In that place itself I realised that my studying one year of French hasn't served me well, due to the lack of practice. It's as if I haven't given it the justice it deserves, I really need to work on that. French is such a beautiful language!

After an absolutely wonderful week away from London, I feel like I haven't done enough with my time here. Sure, I've been around to all the touristy areas, but there's so many places left undiscovered. Hence right this moment, I shall make a promise to myself: In my last couple of months left, I will not sit around my room all day watching TV series or work 24-7 in the library - I'm going to put my coat on, and track down those little neighbourhood markets that I could completely adore.

Fairies can only have one emotion at a time.

2010-12-07T16:17:00.008Z

For the past week I've walked around like I was someone else. I think I possibly could've taken lost and confused to another level. Somehow, it felt completely familiar. Its as if I've witnessed something I was so completely certain about but people kept telling me it didn't happen. The thing is, this time it included memory loss. So, "completely certain" evolved into a guessing game. Depending of what other people tell me, and 100% complete trust on honesty, I constantly ask myself how far, really, are my lines?

Evidentially, I could let myself be bruised and cut all over, and not even realise how any of it happened. Disappointment was one word that wouldn't do my feelings justice. Speaking to one very conservative ex-boyfriend from years and years back made me feel even worse about myself. He always had the tendency to do so, but back then I found the sensibility in him that complements my impulsiveness, even if it means feeling the complete opposite (insecurity) of what you're supposed to feel in a relationship.

Sometimes, circumstance makes me more emotional than I already am - snubbing is my defense mechanism. Also, it makes me say things that I don't necessarily mean. But always, at that point of time, I feel like it means everything. What I thought took courage and some serious ego shattering was merely an act of - surprise, surprise - insecurity. It was of what-could-have been-if-I-still-had-you-with-me, and even more so of a this-would-not-have-happened-to-me-if-you-were-there. I confuse myself some times, but that's just the way it is with me. In fact, I believe for all humans it is the same. You'd want someone to be there for you, especially a male figure when you're the seem-to-be more frail gender of the human race, when you are traumatized, in alot of trouble you did not call for yourself, and possibly drugged. "Did you not care at all?" was what I thought I needed to know.

What do you do when you find out that even though you've past that point of endearing a person's annoying laugh, you still don't know who he is? I am not a firm believer of actions. Well, this is probably because of some actions that I've taken that I'm definitely not too proud of, hence I'm willing to give excuses to myself. But we all know that in fact, who society perceives you as is what you do. Sometimes, if you're lucky enough, they forgive you. And if you're such a person who take things for granted, you wouldn't end up being so lucky. People have thresholds as to how patient they can be. On the other hand, I seem to make up for my notorious mood swings by giving people not just 2nd but 3rd, 4th, 10th chances over and over again. Not because I don't learn from my own mistakes, but because I am grateful for the people who's believed in the best of me regardless of all the horrible things I do and say. I want to give it back, albeit to the "wrong" people, but what gave you and I the right to judge?

So here's the story of my childhood hero of a fairy- Tinkerbell.

Cliche as it sounds, it kind of reflects who the person I am now. She is stubborn, jealous, vindicative, and emotional. But she stands up for people whom she believes in. And this, not coming from me - they tell children that! - compensates for all of it. It's called a personality, if you can't accept a person entirely for who he/she is, don't bother at all. Because you don't have to.

He says not the things I want to hear, but makes me feel better anyway

2010-12-03T02:52:00.001Z

If you cup the water it stays, if you hold on tight it seeps away.

minus 2 degrees and no snow.

2010-11-28T20:06:00.002Z

It's days like these where I wake up to the dream that I don't want to have.

Fucking subconcious, leave me the fuck alone!

Why can't I blog about the doubts that I had which will reassure me if things went wrong that I didn't expect that much out of it anyway?

I hate these god damn business cycles. They annoy me beyond words.

Nobody has the patience to tolerate me, exactly like how I feel like most of the time I run out of my patience with my mom.

FML

Fuck a duck

2010-11-21T15:16:00.004Z

Short but sweet. That's how business cycles are supposed to be like.

I want to be focus and motivated this time.

No side-tracking, no putting myself out there to get hurt.

Persistence pay.

Take me to another world.

2010-11-02T01:08:00.004Z

I feel that tingling in my arms as I stretched across that last note and contracted my chest

The lights are dim and I can feel a completely straight spine, one pointed feet and a deep plea down the other knee.

I stretched out reaching for nothing, grasping... as something flips in my tummy. I felt like digging my nails deep into my fist.

So this is how its supposed to feel.

That point dance did its magic.

It does it for me in Sup's contemporary class on Monday.

I'm writing this down so I remember how it feels like when the going gets tougher in a couple of weeks, or a couple of months, or a couple of years.

Don't give it up. Never give it up.

Its who you are.

I feel like I'm back in London

2010-10-17T21:02:00.006+01:00

Although happy to announce that I can now fit into those jeans my Aussie diet deprived me of, I must confess my Sunday brunch sin today - yes, I found somewhere that is open before noon in London! - revisiting all the pleasures I had of amazing breakfasts in Melbourne. Perfectly poached eggs and hollaindaise sauce, grilled chorizos with sauteed creamy mushrooms and to top that off, a really good cup of Flat White, yes please!

With the help of some new found friends, I discovered this quaint little cafe 5 min down the road from me on Exmouth Market called The Caravan. Somehow, talking to random strangers on the bus/ in the tube /on the street and going out to lunch with friends of friends I have not met before give me a familiar old feeling of being in London.

Getting to know people makes me happy. It's the excitement of finding mutual friends and then being surprised "ohmigod-the-world-is-so-small" about it even though its probably happened just about the millionth time. Discovering mutual habits, mutual interests, finding those traits in someone that reminds you of someone else. Although it may not the best part of a friendship, it definitely is my favorite one.

I guess its because I'd like to believe the best in people, and hence I defend those around me whom people speak horribly of, even after I've gotten a glimpse of the other side of them. But it's usually hard to give a terrible first impressions - that's when people are at their best. All of those little gestures that I find within the first few weeks would then compromise for whatever weaknesses revealed later on.

There's things to love about other people, and there's also things to love about yourself. We all know where our strengths lie, and selfishly, because of that it make things so much easier when people don't know that dark side of you, yet. Meeting people is like a fresh, blank slate, and its up to you to portray what you want people to see. The easiest way to start would be that 10 min conversation you strike up with the cute DJ next to you on the way to dinner. That exact 10 mins will be the entire picture he takes away with him.

I have trouble coping with my previous actions and things I say before. I cringe as I judge myself and not anyone else around me. Meeting new people opens me to a new path where I can just put behind what's happened and move on with my life the way it is.

This year is my final year, and all I can do, is move on, with fingers crossed behind my back.

back from the hiatus.

2010-10-01T13:49:00.003+01:00

I'm no fan of Louis Vuitton. Growing up seeing those brown and beige printed bags gracing the streets of Petaling Street and various Pasar Malams really did give me a perception that only 'Aunties' will carry those horrible looking bags.

Of course there were some exceptions, some of the check accesories and patent prints did appeal to me for a certain amount of time but they all didn't last very long.

Here's the thing. Last month I flipped through the Sept issue of Harper's Bazaar and I swear I could feel my heart flip.

Surely, they are the most beautiful shoes ever made.

My opinion may be biased as my recent obsession for bows hasn't faded one bit, but "Yes please!" to divine velvet and swarovski crystals.

I'm sure they cost not only hefty amount of money but also some hell of a long wait on the list.

Sigh.

I usually complain that my foot looks like a boat in pointy shoes, but if anyone were to be so kind to provide these I'm sure I will happily make an exception.

On another note, London town in 2 days time. I'm in a dilemma as to what course choices will I make for next year - do I want a higher chance in getting decent grades or do I want to do what intrigues me? I don't know if I'm looking forward to it but I've got 10/25 on my to do list yet to be completed and another day left to go. But of course, mani/pedi- check, facial - check, eyebrows- check. 3 most important to-do's :)

It's addictive blogging about how I feel. I've just realised, over the past 2 years I've completely lost the ability to blog about 'how my day went' and 'what awesome food i ate'. Instead, I have random thoughts shooting around all over the place. Wonder if that's a good thing.

my first job

2010-09-17T10:47:00.011+01:00

Today, was my last day.

Weirdly enough, after all those exhausting hours, I felt a surge of pride, driving my car out handing over my last parking ticket for this horrible, horrible parking basement (I swear the people who built it had no spatial sense of awareness). I guess what I'm proud of was realising that I've finally done it. Accomplished those 2 months without so much of a fake MC - I only took one and it was for a very real diagnosed excuse of carbon monoxide poisoning. From week 1 I was whining everyday when I came home to whoever I could abuse, and here I am, finishing what I originally started/planned, less than 48 hours away from touching down in Melbourne embracing my very beloved friends.

Driving out of the carpark I squinted for the first time post-work. It hit me that I should probably turn off my overhead lights. Being the only day I needed sunnies for the drive home, I also realised that I wasn't wearing my lenses - didn't have time to put them in after a whole roller-coaster ride of flat drama with the landlord this morning at 8am that ruined my plans for coming in on time for my last day, not that I was ever not on time (only ever contemplated it, I'm a chicken for not making it happen). I decided that since I actually have time of the day left to spend, I should blog about this surge of pride when I got home.

So here I am, doing it.

I'm thinking about what to say I've learnt about this internship. I guess, most of it was learning how to adapt, learn quickly about something I've very much never seem to know exist in my very ignorant world - network cables and logical ports, SQL and any other programming language. They weren't very practical skills, learning how to use an inventory system that I probably would not ever see again in my life, learning how to code when I am so bored by computers (unless its facebook/surfing the net) that it makes me die a little inside.

This summer, I was planning to learn about bonds, credit swaps ...... ok that's the only 2 terms I know from Finance, so that one day I could be an awesome investment banker, or what they call - a Big Swinging Dick-ette. Somehow, I ended up sitting in front of a room full of inefficient clients who squabble and fight among each other about who's job and who's department is supposed to be in-charged of what, fix tiny little things and then take about 1278391 screenshots. I dont think I've used as much PrtScr, Crtl+C, Crtl+V in my entire life as I do in a week being in the TM project. Granted, I learnt some Excel & Powerpoint skills, but nothing that I couldn't do if I just Google-ed it.

My boss threw a few wise comments here and there, telling me what essentially makes consultants the creme de la creme - sharp clothes, good 'England', and the ability to think out of the box given a random problem while doing what you're by the least an 'expert' in, yet convincing people that you DO know your stuff and you ARE an expert in that field. I guess that's what I've been doing for the past 2 months. Adapting, and pretending to be smart.

Other than that, on a social point of view, it did give me an extra confidence boost. All that praise of being fast and efficient made me swell inside - finally! someone notices! And also, most importantly, I recognize that most of the things that went wrong with my little lousy relationship was not my fault. Because, dare I say! He is one basket full of a dickhead. My attempts to rekindle our little friendship was rejected, not just once, but so many times, and in so many horrible ways. Evidently, people who had steoreotyped him, and judged him for what other people have said, are the smart people. I am slowly moving towards that category in this matter. I cannot recollect the person I knew in him, and over the 10 weeks, it gave me some buffer time to accept that, that person does not even exist. I don't know what makes people think that they are so superior above all others, but if I were to do a research on it, he would be my best specimen.

In any case, pocketing that RM2k and some extra claims, I am now on my way to sorting my life out. Maybe Consultancy is the right track for me. Maybe over this internship I've learnt that I have those skills that are asked for and expected for a bright consultant. Be it not in Technology (god forbid, I would bore myself to death if I had to do it more than 2 months), but at least I know what I don't want, and what I may want.

So yes, it has been abit of a bittersweet for me. One chapter ends and time to do the job hunting again like the rest of my peers.

Hello failed econometrician of year 3. Maybe you might be better at other things in life compared to how much you suck at Uni.

When he lets his guard down

2010-09-10T05:06:00.000+01:00

I go to pick up my toothbrush, packing at 4am an hour before we are scheduled to leave.

and he's gone on to have a full on rant just during the time taken for me to choose between my electric and manual one.

Little things help me become so much more appreciative :)

I miss those days when things were simple

2010-09-03T17:44:00.006+01:00

I'm the kind of person who would forget what it used to be like, if I weren't reminded often enough. I feel so detached from the person I used to be 4 years ago that sometimes I can't recognize the pictures of me, sometimes I don't relate to what I've written before. Sometimes, it scares me.

I think it's because of my sinusoidal moodswings. Every damn emotion is being heightened at any point of time, that its quite hard to keep track on what just happened 5 minutes ago, let alone 5 years.

When I lose myself, I lose track of what hour or what day it is.

I lose touch with people and give myself the excuse that the other person's stop trying anyway. The thing is, as much as it takes 2 hands to clap, it only takes one person to walk away to break a relationship.

Today, I realised at 1205am that I've missed someone's birthday. That someone who's once been the only person that understood, empathized, and stood up for me.

Unlike most others, our friendship started off with a fight. Over the years, that childish banter only brought us closer.

I'm going to try harder. pinky promise

Got some serious refurbishing to do

2010-08-19T17:10:00.003+01:00

This place needs some cheering up.

But when I'm happy I forget to blog!

Things are bittersweet with the 'work situation'. We're finally bantering away on OC, but can't quite come up with the same wit face to face. We shall see what happens when I get stuck in the car with him for an hour tomorrow to that project dinner.

Anyways, I met this inspiration of mine tonight. I'm so proud of him, and what he's achieved in his life, what he's done to get there and how he did it :)

You know who you are.

I'm so,so,so,incredibly proud of you.

And I would never have made it through high school without all of your "grown-up" advice!

My house without a father figure

2010-08-10T17:11:00.006+01:00

Hi. My name is Yih Wei and I rule the world because I am better than everyone else

This is how I sound like when my sister comes home

Your car is in my parking space

Why are you eating rubbish food

You should tell mom to stop feeding u rubbish food

See now that you've eaten rubbish food, you can't eat the curry that I purposely went out to buy for you

If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be stuck at home eating rubbish food.

I would have went out with my girlfriend to eat

Why you come home so late

Your job is shit

You take your job too seriously

Everyone at your work place are geeks

You should do management or strategy consulting

My boss is amazing he let me off at 430pm today

You should just leave at 5pm everyday

Nobody fucking cares

You're just an intern, small fry

You shouldn't be so stupid

My office is amazing

Why dont you come by and have a look at my amazing office

I feel like i'm MD even though I just started work for 2 days

Your department work people like dog

When you graduate you should be like me

Work at Accenture SCM just like me because that's where all the cool people are

Don't even think about working in UK

So you think LSE is so amazing that you are going to get a job there? pft.

Not gonna let you come in to get to the toilet because you always lock my toilet door.

By the way you should have showered straight after your tennis so that you'll catch a cold and a fever the next morning

If not you're going to have to shower with cold water anyway because there's not enough to go around.

OR why dont u

Deal with the god damn water pump

Deal with the oven

Deal with mom's car

Deal with the fucking house

Now why the fuck are u crying?

Mom! yih lin is psycho!

Thanks kor. A simple "How was your day?" would suffice, really.

All that concern.... or haven't you heard? Silence is Golden.

For the records, I love my job more than my home because my teensiest effort is appreciated so much more.

I think he is nervous around me :)

2010-07-27T17:07:00.004+01:00

Because seeing my boss' little girl bumping into a glass door, picking herself up and then looking really confused, reminds me of a bunch of cheeky, noisy little clones of you running around.

It gives me the kind of reassuring comfort in the midst of chaos.

they were perfect days

2010-07-23T14:55:00.005+01:00

That I've stopped thinking about.

But I lie there tonight, after ridiculous hours of work, desperate for sleep.

Just a light nap, before I press the reset button

After all, my day had been eaten up by computer programmes.

Like how I needed just a god damn hot shower, I needed him not to be there.

To have my. freaking. nap.

But they were perfect days that were somehow not forgotten.

They replayed in my head.

No fighting, no pain, no tears.

Because I kept only those perfect days.

Only the ones that are worth keeping.

I found my reset button moments later, awaking from my power nap.

And I wished that it was our reset button that I've found instead.

because I don't let emotions run my life

2010-07-19T14:40:00.005+01:00

When I'm wearing a double cuffed shirt with a tightight pencil skirt

I was proud of those words that slipped my lips, though not easily, it came out eventually. I heard myself and I smiled a smile inside.

I can stand up for myself now. It doesn't matter what they spread about me, as long as I hold my head up high and be mature about it.

I felt like I've just dived in to professionalism, and its a huge step forward not saying what I really wanted to say.

I just spoke to him like it was the first time I met him. And he's never done anything to hurt me.

Like he wasn't the one I held my heart out on the table and gave 110% for the first time.

What I realised was, I did that not for him, but for me.

Everyday I make new discoveries.

Today I made one of myself.

I am capable of something at least despite my ugly 60.75 average.

And I will make up for that downfall

I discovered something today

2010-07-18T11:46:00.006+01:00

And I think it might just be my next new addiction.

It's like watching a screenplay unfold, layer after layer, of walls crumbling off.

My perspectives, evolving

My guts doing little flips everytime I come across something intriguing

It's that book that you never put down even though its 6am and you have to catch a flight the next morning

It's that book you could read over, and over again, just to attain something deeper each time

Picking up those subtle punctuations, that say so much by saying so little.

What gave me the right to judge who comes 2nd to best?

I think, most of the time we give more to the idea of a person than who the person actually is

Right now, my ideas are just sky-rocketting

Even though I know all of these changes will remain concealed

Hidden and unprogressive towards anything at all

Nevertheless, my new discovery continues to inspire

And spark random train of thoughts that I never knew I had

Making me wonder about the questions that frequently popped up but I've never bothered taking seriously.

Maybe I should stop being selfish, and live outside my own little world for just a little while

Mind of the fickle

2010-07-08T18:12:00.006+01:00

"10,000 hours. That's what it takes to be successful." says Gladwell.

I grew up wanting to try all the things I could. Everything new was fresh and exciting, I look up to people who can do things that I can't, and thought to myself 'maybe if I were to try that I could be as good'.

While trying to perfect my pirouettes and fouettes, I left out a whole year of not touching the piano, only to find my fingers useless attempting to play Chopin when I came home. I spend 10 hours in a row in efforts to play a decent song on the electric guitar, only to be distracted by fashion magazines. In the course of pursuing my inner rockstar, I decided that maybe by downloading a couple of templates and drawing clothes on those little croquis figures, I could also become and extraordinary fashion designer. And then there's that hiphop gangster (I mean, come on, with the amount of foul language I use on a daily basis?) waiting to come out, but at the same time wishing I could move my hips the way my Salsa teacher can.

In A levels, I decided that doing Maths, Physics and Chemistry simply wasn't fulfilling enough, I needed also to do FMaths and Economics.

9 months ago, I abandoned all the mathematical skills that I've practiced and went for philosophising and constructing legal arguments. Only to find my hands too full in the beginning of April. Even so, I constantly beat myself up wondering what it would have been like if I chose engineering over economics.

When will I ever make up my mind?

Among all of these, I've probably already put in more than 10,000 hours. Just on different things. Sometimes I think I have infinite gemini twins, not just bipolar but multipolar. There's a diagnosis for multiple personalities no? On a mild level, maybe its just me being fickle minded. I want to do everything and I want to be great at everything. But noone can. Even if I was Hiro Nakamura, who would eventually run out of energy.

It's kind of taken a u-turn to kick me in the ass this year. My over-ambitious subject choices will eventually give me to tight slaps across the face come the 14th of July. I really am not looking forward to signing in to LSE For You to find 'FAILURE' written across the page.

Someone said to me, 'you just need to find your comparative advantage'. But I believe people are born as somewhat blank slates, and your environment shapes you, and gives you what you do best. I've been given so many opportunities in my life, and chances to discover what I might be able to do best. How do you know?

How do you wake up one day and decide you can give up on something that you've learn to love and spend your time doing and trade it in for another?

How do you know what to spend your 10,000 hours on?

It might be a quarter life crisis

or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Babe, you're his drug!

2010-07-04T19:34:00.006+01:00

I say I don't know what it's like to be another person's addiction. Most of the time I don't feel quite that wanted, needed, valuable or contributory to anything/anyone around me.

It sucks because, this is exactly how she feels.

Everything she does, is evidently just a heightened and more dramatic version of how I would have let it unfold in my mind. I wanted to tell her, that I understand. But putting myself in her shoes make me realise that it's not what I would have wanted to hear if I'd had one of those days, because "everyone else have it easy, and you have no idea what I have gone through" - those were the exact words, that ran through my mind. I knew how she felt. I felt how she felt. For me it's "one of those days" for her its "everyday"

Did it make me more superior being able to overcome it, only just on some days?

No, if the circumstances were to be reversed, I knew I did not have the willpower to fight that dreadful sinking feeling either.

The day was supposed to be special, but its just ordinary (and almost horrible) like any other day. Because she made it so, because she picked at all the faults that we have, and made it seem like we don't give a crap. She annoyed us to the point where we just picked up the car keys, and left. Like I said, almost horrible.

I don't know if anyone else understands. I don't think I do all that much, but I'm positive that I have a little bit of her in me, enough to see the world the way she sees it occasionally.

I don't like that dark part of me, and most of the time I pick fights with people I care the most about. The only difference is, I have someone who is patient enough to sit it out with me, and make everything okay, make the rainbows shine after the clouds go away. I have someone who would try his best to cheer me up, and asking nothing back from me at all.

I fear she does not have friends. She sure as hell needs some because of my incapability to be a friend. I have not been nurtured and taught the ways of being patient and calm. I can't be what he is to me for her. I feel ashamed sometimes, but I still keep my head held high, walking away and giving the excuse of "I've done the best I could", "I can't change her", "she's clinically depressed and won't admit it".

The worst is, I fear one day this thing that I have might grow over all the bits of hope and the bits of light that I hold on to, covering my days with grey clouds. I fear one day I'll be the way she is, and no one with any kind of patience will be able to fix me.

So I hold on to you.

I don't know if I'm your drug as much as you are mine.

But it gives me a little bit of hope, that you might depend on me hence I could never lose you.

You're my pillar of strength, maybe surrounded by that four walls that you build around you, but the most important thing is, occasionally, you let me through the window.

I see blue skies and I see sunshine.

And I hope, hope and I would pray to any God known to exist, that she would come around, and see that little bit of sunshine with me.

Gorgeous :)

2010-06-25T00:46:00.004+01:00

For what it's worth, spending the past 3 months ploughing through exams, leaves me feeling so liberated being able to find myself lying in the sun listening to waves crash upon the rocks beneath my feet. Trust me, you haven't lived till you've heard/smelled/indulged the sea.

I would save myself from sounding like one of those lonelyplanet websites, describing places using words like 'amazing', 'breathtaking', 'majestic', 'truly beautiful'.

I will leave it for the pictures to say those photos for me, or for your own eyes to see if any of you ever sets foot in that place. It is definitely some place I would be looking forward to venture again, despite all the bizarre obstacles we had to get through to get to where we were, literally.

*click for fb photos link*

I feel quite sorry for the taxi driver who's sent us round and round Piraeus port, yet to be disappointed again and again by his own people. He really did sound disappointed in his own country, and somehow I felt comforted. Because at the end of the day, I'm still proud to tell people I meet, that I'm from Malaysia, and it's a beautiful country, no matter how shit the politics/ education system may be. But here he is, driving around 3 damsells in distress from a far away land, and all he can repeat over and over again is 'oh shit' and 'my country is hospital for crazy people'. However little English he may speak, I'm sure he had definitely gotten the point across.

I guess we adapted past the 2^nd day of the trip, we said to ourselves that there was no expectations.

And from then it picked up.

We drove from North to South and possibly back on forth of the island, in 2 days. And managed to cram all of our itinerary in what little time we had, which leaves me craving now for a proper beach holiday where I could just sit around and do nothing. Any takers from people back home? (I'm coming back on 1^st July)

To be honest, I haven't actually properly rested since my last paper. Birthday dinner and party and then straight off to packing and moving in the new place (which is now a complete chaos due to the amount of stuff that I have). And then jetting off to Greece and finding myself running around like a mad woman, strikes on the metro and any other public transports really, broken suitcases, delayed ferries, illegal cabs. We really did not have much luck the first 2 days.

So since I've got back I've done nothing but sit in the pub, with my pint, watching the world cup, wimbeldon, and back to world cup again, chatting with all the people I've lost touch with during exam hermit phase. And I shall, for the next week that I have left, sit and indulge in the absolute nothingness on my daily calender, feast at good restaurants, take strolls in the park and lie on the grass, just because I can.

In the midst of all that I shall unpack, and I find it quite a tedious thing to do but it makes me somewhat happy for some weird reason.

Hello summer. And we hope it'd be a good one this time :)

hello summer

2010-06-13T17:45:00.000+01:00

Last paper and then its party time!!!!!!!!!!!

Today

2010-06-02T22:07:00.008+01:00

I got out of bed because my parcel arrived :) new shoes!

I basked in the sun on my way to Chinatown to have Dimsum

I played tennis the first time in 9 months in Lincoln's Inn's Field

I sat in Starbucks sipping my daily Frapp

I played the piano the first time in half a year with a new found friend ♥ DUETS!

I danced around with ann-marie in Parish Hall

I couldn't stop doing fouettes. 6 rounds and I got dizzy (I can't spot)

I ate Fajitas for dinner and had 2-4-1 cocktails while talking non-stop about iron-man that I just got around to watching yesterday

The Avengers! I am impatient, but I WILL WAIT!

Who said I stil have exams :P 2 weeks for law is a long, time, right?

It definitely has been an amazing one day break

The sun is out, all worries gone, and I am a happy girl!

Doesn't matter that I'm going to fail metrics!

I've had almost all my favourite things in a day!

Fantasie Impromptu and Sonata Pathetique, nothing like familiar classical choonnnsss coming off the tip of your fingers

Hmmmnnnn....

Now just one more person to make my day even more wonderful!

he remembers my white hairband and my white lacy dress on the day i snubbed him

Jealousy does make the heart fonder :p

maybe i should wear white all the time and snub him more :)

And not to mention, ending the day with good ol' Grey's Anatomy

See you tomorrow and I would possibly be back to whining about exams.

But for now. . . . I will have a good sleep!

We had dinner in a bus!

2010-05-31T13:41:00.005+01:00

Its London's first Vegan Bus Restaurant, and I had a tofu tower - which looks alot better than it tasted.

I want my meat please!

Regardless, it was nice being at the other side of town

Skipping hours of stupid algebra

How am I going to even attempt tomorrow's paper, I have no idea.

Still have time to blog - see I've completely given up on this course. seriously.

the world was still in my back yard

2010-05-29T00:32:00.005+01:00

we shut our eyes
though we're in doubt.

People who come back to you no matter what.

You know they are the ones to keep.

I promise not to take you for granted. No more sinusoidal patterns of heights and lows.
I promise. I promise. I promise. :)

My housemate thinks i'm bipolar.

2010-05-26T21:40:00.003+01:00

Because today, I laughed so hard for so long, not knowing what I'm laughing at until I started crying.

I said, I'm hormonal.

And she said, but you just got your period 2 weeks ago!

I don't need people to solve my problems, sometimes I just want to be heard.

Are we not allowed to complain anymore?

Why can't I get a break from optimism?

I feel shitty because I feel shitty.

No, no one died.

No, I don't have a pet that's dying.

No, I didn't fail my exam.

No, I didn't get dumped by my boyfriend.

No, I didn't have a pigeon fly into my face.

No, I didn't have a huge fight with my parents.

No, I didn't mess up my relationship with a really close friend.

I can't present you two sticks to make a house out of it. I have no foundation rocks for you to build your damn house to begin with.

Just flailing, one of those moments, you know?

Why do people choose to confide in you only when you need them to confide in?

How does it help by saying - No, your life is not shitty, do you think my life is great?

Why is everything fine and dandy when I'm in my best mood, ready to console, empathize and whip out my listening ear, but then you build your stupid wall, spray multicolored graffiti and a big smiley face and a shiny golden star over it, and tell me that everything. is. fine.

Just because "it is not my problem to solve, or my burden to carry".

But when I'm not feeling all that great, you tell me about all your freaking problems and how life sucks for you too.

And then shove it in my face about how you've still got so much strength and optimism that you can joke about buying me a happy meal so I can find a stupid toy in it, even though everything is so screwed up and you can't figure your life out.

It's not fair.

I know I take alot of the things that you have to offer for granted sometimes, but it's not like you don't take my concern the same way too.

Sometimes, I feel so bad for you I could churn my insides out if it would make you feel better.

But you never talk about it.

And all I have now is bad dreams, of you shouting at me for being such an annoying, whiny child who never grows up to deal with her own problems.

Please make it go away?

Fashion porn!

2010-05-18T19:35:00.010+01:00

Freaking awesome Carla Reiter necklace

And did anyone else notice those Yellow Louboutins!

Fake/scam spoilers last year! Nate v Chuck showdown haha

Oh well. Nate & Blair I will root for you no matter what!

Can't find a photo of Serena in that amazing outfit in the hospital scene

She had on some crazy shoes

you know you love it

[edit] FOUND IT!

[/edit]

I pick fights.

2010-05-18T14:57:00.002+01:00

And then I don't know how to fix them!

I somehow do not comprehend the fact that some things are better left unsaid.

Finally a valid/logical/reasonable reason

2010-05-14T21:29:00.002+01:00

For shoes to make me happy!

THEY SMELL LIKE JELLY! (apparently the plastic is injected with scent at like a million degrees and then moulded into the shoes)

60 quid well spent :D

if only all my shoes smell this good! Maybe I should get one for every occasion! :)

Wow, that PMS-ing really did come late.

2010-05-12T00:31:00.009+01:00

Why do good people always have to leave?

I think I'm going crazy. I was actually about to attempt to (ONE TREE HILL SPOILER ALERT) compare Haley's mom dying to deleting people off facebook. I mean, seriously, the grief of a single mouse click (or tap on a touch pad). These days, things like that play such a stupidly big part in our lives (especially us "teenagers"- wont be able to say that any longer very soon) that we don't even notice it. Like the things I found on my computer, spent an hour reading through a bunch of message logs/ history. Seeing how relationships turn from good to sour, just suddenly. One minute you're bantering about the elephants blushing, the next its just disgusting, bitter, after-war conversations. There wasn't an in between, all the warning signs were either not picked up, or I was just too blissfully in denial that I didn't care, and then after that it was just that quiet painful silence - and you know you've lost the person you've cared about. How can people just decide to leave one day, I fail to comprehend

I think for me it's not quite the whole "I-really-need-to-forget-you" thing. Trust me, I try and save every single moment or memory that I've had. It's just that remembering things really isn't that easy, it takes alot of courage. I'm not brave enough to fight it, hence I press the delete button. I'm the kind of person who would ball her eyes out just smelling the scent of the level that I used to live on. Partly because I know I don't deserve the things that I've been through, and I don't deserve the things that people say to/about me. I use the excuse as "they don't deserve to be my friend", but the truth is, I can't take it. I don't understand it, and I can't take it.

I have weird dreams now and then. Few months back I had a dream that he was gone. as in, he died. Maybe to me he did, but I was calling his cellphone over and over again just to hear the O2 lady say that I've reached a voicemail, not even a personalized voicemail that I can listen to. Nothing. Nothing I can grasp on to, to grief. It was a painful dream, and every bit of it felt so real. Even though I go through everyday telling myself, I'm okay. That, its fine that we don't speak anymore. It's fine that he turns away when he sees me. Even when he walks into a random coffee shop, he turns his back on sheer luck and coincidence, he walks away, like a child.

Maybe I'm dead to him, too.

But 2 days back I dreamt of him holding my hand. I think what triggered it was that 2 people who I was very sure just met, sitting at the front of the bus making out like no tomorrow, and SY commenting how sweet it was while I just cringe disgustedly. To think that back then it felt so genuine, sincere, existent and oblivious. and nothing else mattered.

Anyways, we were sitting next to Jun Hann and Elaine. (I dont know why they were there, possibly because she was the one who kind of assured me that I wasn't hallucinating/having yet another mental illness, and stood by me even though she was technically his friend) and it was just that. Sitting, maybe watching some kind of a baseball/rugby/most possibly football match.

He held my hand and put it near his chest, he turned around and smiled at me.

But I felt sad. Even in the midst of all of that, I felt sad. and betrayed. Because even in this happy dream of mine, it didn't feel real. Nothing felt real, I knew I was just going to wake up anytime from dehydration. And I did. But everytime I have my water and go back to sleep, there he is again, smiling.

It's just there, taunting me.

I don't understand it. He's appeared at the most bizarre timing and it seems so fucking unreasonable. I haven't seen him in months, and the last time I did, he did something so incredibly hurtful, that I came back the very night to delete him off that stupid social networking website.

He's dead to me, but my subconcious seem to think otherwise.

Now that my blog is pretty i wanna blog everyday

2010-05-11T19:12:00.008+01:00

(in between heavy note typing for my philosophy of economics exam) hehe

Waiting for them Vivienne Westwood pretties to arrive in my mailbox.

I've picked up a disease lately that reoccurs every year during exam period.

Its called EOSS - excessive online shopping syndrome.

They have a word for it in Greek, its called Oniomania (an n away from onionmania), defined as a compulsive urge to shop"!

Symptoms

Similar to other compulsive behaviors, sufferers often experience the highs and lows associated with addiction. Victims often experience moods of satisfaction when they are in the process of purchasing, which seems to give their life meaning while letting them forget about their sorrows. (hah!) Once leaving the environment where the purchasing occurred, the feeling of a personal reward has already gone. To compensate, the addicted person goes shopping again. Eventually a feeling of suppression will overcome the person. For example, cases have shown that the bought goods will be hidden or destroyed, because the person concerned feels ashamed of their addiction and tries to conceal it.

Oh dear, hopefully mine wouldn't achieve such depressing heights

But you know what I've noticed?

It feels like you don't spend money at all shopping online - only typing in credit card number, no need to even have a machine handed to you/ swipe card/ sign / key in pin number.

It's like Santa Clause just pops packages through the door every morning!

Aren't they just the prettiest things? They are perfect for next week's weather! (and greece).

Since they are plastic and jello-y, they won't get ruined like my Suede Crocs (poor ~~souls~~ soles served me well - should've listened to Tert and got them in Navy and Fuschia too!)

whatever happened to kicking my shoe addiction!

FAIL!

Anyways, slaved away on google shopping just to find the right pair, the right colour in the right size! So much effort, and procrastination from reading up L.Robbin's entire book on "the subject matter of economics" (ie. the definition of economics) And only then I realised that our Library building in LSE is actually called the Lionel Robbin's Building! hoho

Gossip girl is out and it's my happy fried chicken day! when I'm all bloated and supposed to be PMS-ing. Oh well, not a bad thing now is it? Just careful not to jinx it.

Still secretly hoping Nate and Blair would freaking get back together, and Serena to just go kill herself!

Starbucks Frappes are not Coffee

2010-05-10T01:10:00.001+01:00

because they have more sugar than anything else in the damn cup.

5 Addictions I probably should kick

1. Antihisthamines

2. Shisha

3. Coffee

4. Frappes

5. Impulsive shoe buying

6. Shopping

I'm in denial of the weather outside that resembles what it was like back in december. England's weather's got a mind of its own, right now it is PMSing. And I'm all ready to kick that dark and depressing self of mine in the arse, hence all the pink, floral, and happy shoes.

Looking at this page now makes me happy :D

especially that really bad photo of me being a cheek.

Oh well, that's the only spring-y photo I have for now that will fit.

Can't wait to get this exam business flipping done and over with so I CAN STOP BUYING STUFF ON ASOS AND GO TO GREECE !

also possibly go HOME.

ps: gonna get a bunny for the flat next year! :D

. . . so Jo's won't get lonely!

eeeeeeeee damn cuteeeee

I'm going to start dressing up to go to dance class

2010-04-22T19:47:00.000+01:00

http://dancerstyle.squarespace.com/

ooh yay ASOS package has just arrived!

Settling for 2nd bests

2010-04-21T02:15:00.006+01:00

Snagged myself an invitation for mulberry sample sales today

and snagged myself one of those gorgeous little classics I've been peeking out at the corner, when i'm eye-ing the latest Alexa.

Alexa was nowhere to be found but managed to claw my way through women in suits (whom probably already own mulberry bayswaters in all possible colours), raging their way through bags.

A sweet 40% off :)

Sample sales are so fun! I remember meeting a bunch of people back during the Jimmy Choo H&M collaboration, crazy people who stood out in the rain for hours just to get a wristband for priority entry (because we all know if you don't get priority, you don't get your shoes.)

Took me a million years to decide whether to get it full sized or halved. That 50quid-only-to-upsize deal was super tempting! but after several calls to the girlfriend-posse, settled with a smaller one only because of the possibility that mom might give me hers when she doesn't want it! :p

Walking out into the sun 400pounds poorer (I managed to throw in a silk double sided scarve last minute), big grin on my face munching on my fav baguette of all time - Italian Prosicuitto from Pret. Divine.

oh and not REALLY 400 pounds poorer, of course I swiped the 'emergency' credit card :p

Maybe sometimes 2nd bests could make you happier than you'd think it would. It might feel awkward the first time having it in your arms, but after a while (for me it took like 5 seconds) it could make you smile :)

I actually don't know if I'd be happy later on with my decision even if I manage to somehow get an Alexa today. Maybe it'll go out of fashion, seeing as it just got in the market. I could give it a couple years to settle down and find its place before splurging that 695 on it. It's glory might just be short-lived, is it worth it?

Funny how a bag gives me so much to rant about at 2.30am after drilling so much econometrics in my brain that my shoulder (and bum) hurts.

And its funny how I still notice little bits of people that reminds me of someone else. The little ones that makes me grin like a 5 year old kid to myself.

New people, and yet I've already decided that they're going to be 2nd best.

I don't write anymore

2010-04-15T02:25:00.004+01:00

What I can do now adays is dig old shit up and post them on here. Single pictures and almost close to one liner comments.

Everyday's been a routine of going to Waitrose to buy food and getting cracking with the textbook, occasionally taking breaks in between to rant/waffle about anything under sun with my favourite engineer-to-be. Good old times will always be the same, we bond over exam period for some bizarre reason.

Fuzzy. that's the word. I use it for that warm and fuzzy in your tummy, and he uses it as some kind of frustration towards work/life/pressure.

Our banters made me realise... It's weird how information gives you a different perception to what you see and how you feel, even though you might as well be just looking at the same thing.

Apart from that, I'm avoiding depressing vortexes, and sometimes they make me less of a friend/family member/person than I could be. But you know what, I can't always be there if all the feedback I get is going to be a blob of dull and grey. I can't deal with things being that way. I need sunshine, too. And it's enough effort looking for my light at the end of a tunnel, let alone striking up a fire to share. I simply do not have that kind of spirit right now, hence the whole travelling 40minutes 2-ways for one hour Jazz dance classes. It's my way to get away from my LIFE diving into a world where I don't completely FAIL.

Grateful that London's giving me quite a bit of that sunshine, but of course it also clouds up within minutes. Before I even manage to get ready and step out into the sun it'd start raining. Oh well, fingers crossed for spring to come soon, I don't think I can manage mugging indoors any much longer. Need some warmth shining down on my face to keep me comforted, it works as some kind of optimism for me, the world is a better place when its sunny and nice.

Honestly, I do not know how people live in this freaking country. It's in the middle of April now and I still got my heater on, burning away the extra pounds (as in money) that daddy sent to me during the low exchange rate. Housemate thinks its tragedy of the commons, but hey really, I'm piling on the layers already and I'm still cold as fuck.

Can't decide what to caption:

1. pancakes make me happy

2. exams make me fat

ergh

I STILL NEED THAT GOD DAMN PURPOSE IN LIFE TO COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR PLEASE THANK YOU!

and mulberry sample sale to come!

Precision

2010-04-10T22:28:00.002+01:00

Ok, except for chrysa, messed up that left arm. but still

Only if I can strike that first class degree just that accurately and also right on time.

Support makes all the difference, so cheer for that person you love, and TELL them that you are proud of them. Because otherwise, they really wouldn't know.

Mulberry Alexa

2010-03-23T00:39:00.000Z

Yes Please!

Amresh told me to get a nose job (among other things)

2010-03-21T22:57:00.004Z

I'd like to say enough of all the emo posts, but my mind is a blank slate. Don't know where all that blogging mojo went! or maybe I've just run out of things to say. It feels like life is on a re-run sometime. year after year. I know I do new things etc but entire course of this year had seem so much like the previous ones, up and down, up and down. Coffee, alcohol, meds.

Things that inspire me are shortlived. A happy day crashes down on a coffee low. I don't feel excited enough to write about things and share it with people (assuming there are still readers around). I guess there's just so much going on that there's no urge to celebrate a good day or sulk over a bad one. I get so numb to all of this rollercoaster of drama and love-hate relationships. One minute, they're a good friend, and one minute they stab you in the back. And sometimes when things seem like they're never gonna work out, they do, and I forget the way I felt back when I was hurt, all is forgiven and I'm back to living in denial. Vice versa for forgetting how GOOD and HAPPY feels like when shit happens. Time, it comes and goes. Feelings come and go with it.

I'm so worried about these exams (in 2 months zomg!), and I'm still going to Monaco on Tuesday! I know it's gonna be a fun and awesome week but when I come back reality will hit me, or rather, at least the library will. I still have not figured out my strategy to mug for these exams. I have a bad feeling that this is the year I will get my slap in the face for messing around and cramming last minute. Like procrastination haven't already done me enough getting all those rejections from banks and consultancy firms.

Also looks like I'm going to be packing up the day I turn 20, seeing as I would be booted out of the house come 18th of June, merely 3 days after my last exam, damn law department.

I've also bought a one way ticket here, so god knows when am I gonna go home. Maybe i'll go home tomorrow, who knows?

Needing some kind of surprise element badly. Spending all the moolah on good food and good night outs, all of the pleasure is bloody shortlived! I feel like I'm floating around aimlessly at the moment, really need to find something solid to grasp on.

isn't he gorgeous?

2010-03-17T01:01:00.006Z

'jizzed in my pants' to BLAZE

World premiere today, hence all the 'important people'

funny how if you youtube enough you'd probably watch the show and know who choreographed which bits - ie. mike song, lyle beniga, KENNY WORMALD (centre stage -turn it up, YOU GOT SERVED yeah good ol' days )

Performers: Tommy Franzén and Lizzie Gough (UK So You Think You Can Dance),

AND

COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH LIL STEPH!

THEIR SET WAS F*CKING MENTALLL I SWEAR TO GOD!
how come we didnt get those amazing LIGHTS when we were doing OUR SHOW!!!! on the SAME BLOODY STAGE.

MORE @
http://blazetheshow.com/nl/tag/video/

loving the hip-hop beats. i think i might swap dance cults :)

i'm determined to pick up locking over the summer!!!!! (instead of that stupid internship i HAVE to do)

Hypocrites

2010-02-24T05:05:00.002Z

So i guess that's what I am now, for puffing sinfully away when I had strongly disapproved of him doing so. And also told him off for that.

Sometimes your friends aren't who you think they are.

Sometimes they beat around the bush lying to you.

Sometimes they just blatantly break your heart right in your face.

Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I just think its down-right unfair on me whatever that's happened.

I wished things didn't happen the way they did

I wish I didn't feel that shitty and puffy eyed as I feel right now

Vulnerable.

And emotional.

I wish I didn't give as much as a glance, or just didnt give a shit.
I wish things could be the way they were before I met him.
I wish I could just erase everything and start off again without causing so much drama to people around me.

I wish I could stop troubling other people constantly asking me whether I was ok.

I wish people would at least try and believe me when I say I'm ok when I'm clearly not.

I've been Okay just because I had my dance to focus on that I forget how I really feel inside.

I wish I could rant less when I'm high on cigarattes and booze.

I wish I was a different person altogether.

no time to eat

2010-02-19T00:55:00.003Z

sometimes i feel like i'm not just stressed out about stuff i should/have/need/shouldhave/amgoing to do but also carrying other people's burden around. too many people that I care about and too many people's feelings I have to look out for.

I came home to a dirty bowl sitting on my table from my dinner last night (that i ate at 12am) and a leak on my stupid roof.

and as hard as I try, I did not manage to hand it that assignment due 13 hours ago.

as well as my face that is now shrinking to half its usual size.

and the costumes were SOOOO pretty

2010-02-07T03:31:00.005Z

i feel like a star, because i have beautiful people who loves me
(or just my cooking)

feet hurts. wont be able to walk in a million years,
but wahey, more dance rehearsal TOMORROW for the next dance show :)

I'm really not giving those bruises anytime to disappear at all.

i <3 contemp :D

Music fills that gap for me.

2010-01-23T22:18:00.002Z

Well, at least dance rehearsals takes up all my free time.

I feel better.

I feel like maybe I can get off meds, soon :)

and drinky again!

Maybe, I can let things bug me less.

Maybe, he doesn't quite hate me as much as I think he does.

meantime, nobody wants to shisha with me. :(

boo.

can't decide if I'm actually upset,

2010-01-20T02:27:00.000Z

Or chemically induced to be upset.

They both feel kind of the same to me now.

Call me paranoid, but I'm going through that list of side effects, and why don't you tell me how the fuck am I supposed to be optimistic about life?

Apparently I betray now. Yep that's what I do. Why aren't you surprised, huh?

Maybe I actually don't even give a shit. But it's sad how I can't distinguish how I actually feel and what of those emotions I have now is due to 5mg of a tiny white oval pill every 3 days.

Fuck you. Fuck them all.

2nd chances

2010-01-17T17:58:00.006Z

and new perspectives.

What happens, if you fall in love?

*scoffs*

What?

You don’t believe that, do you?

It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

but sometimes with some things, you only have one shot.

Imogen Heap - Hide and seek

2010-01-11T16:13:00.003Z

Found the original to that rap song.

And realised where I've first heard it - The Last Kiss (yes the one with Rachel Bilson) and then The O.C.

sigh old times

So beautiful :)

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me around again and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity
Of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Blood and tears
They were here first

Mm what'cha say?
Mm, that you only meant well
Well of course you did

Mm what'cha say?
Mm that it's all for the best
Of course it is

Mm what'cha say?
Mm that it's just what we need
You decided this?

Mm what'cha say?
Mm what did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet-talk newspaper word cutouts (paper word cutouts)
Speak no feeling; no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

Part Fiction

2010-01-07T10:46:00.018Z

Judge all you want, but I do admit my language command was pretty bad for a 16 year old back then. I certainly do not write half as well as my journalist-to-be friend Xiao, so please, no high expectations.
Actually, if anything, it has probably deteriorated seeing that I won't be able to write anything of the sort (3000 words zomg!) even for a million bucks. Struggling with my 1500 philosophy essay right now and progress remains 0words written. sigh. fml.

Anyways.

It's kind of personal. Hence, I've kept it for so long. Only those who knew me best have seen the daylights of it.
But being with someone today made me appreciate the little things in life that we share, although our worlds differ so much. It made me think that I'm okay with the way I felt back then going out to the world.

Afterall, its back then.

It HAS been a long while since I wrote that.

He still sees the part of me nobody really does - including my incredible bluging stomach from too much charkueyteow.

Fei mui. wtf. need to diet.

And he has the patience of a saint when it comes to the evil cranky crazy mother. Every. Single. Time.

So here it is, in all its glory 4 years later, after spending an entire day with him, after waking up at 1pm (trust me it really is alot of effort to get up anytime before 2pm lately!) just to cook him lunch, after him asking me to be his mistress so that no other guy in the world will mess with me and screw me over ever again. lol. sif.

****

“Goodbye” really is the most difficult word to utter. Leaving this place of my childhood memories, of all friendships, love, joy, sorrow… This place. Will I ever come back again? Will those memories, those special moments what it seemed, just fade away like that?

“Remember to send me postcards.” A familiar voice snapped me back to reality, to the bustling business of the airport. His sincere eyes so hypnotizing, with a slight sign of weariness, worried, yet so innocent.

I sighed, and then like any other time, brought myself to smile cheerfully. “I’d spam your mailbox with those for sure.”

He chuckled, “Guess I’ll have hire a PA to sort those out for me huh?”

“Oh. Anytime. You could even get one of those anti-spam mailboxes. You know… like make the postman hate you and he’ll tear up all of your letters and postcards! HAHA.”

He glared at me.

Shit.

“Um… Okay, not funny.”

Chris, my bestest friend in the entire universe. Every single time I recall the way he screwed up as a part-time postman, I can’t help but laugh about it. Unfortunately, the teasing had gone a bit overboard, and I started annoying the shit out of him. Cheeses. I just couldn’t get any lamer by day.

Going through my teenage years was pretty tough. What with an unsupportive broken family, and a not-so-happening social life, people backstabbing, bitching, gossiping about me; I’ve even got sabotaged a few times, having people scribble unpleasant things on my books and playing evil pranks on me.

Having Chris in my life, made all of the difference. He was my companion, my soul mate, a person I could count on. He was there for me to rant, to comfort me, to make me realise that I’m not alone in this world. Helping me through endless obstacles, catching me when the world felt like it was crashing down on me, not to mention, taught me how beautiful love is.

While he helped me with my luggage, a silent evil grin spread across his face.

“What’s so funny?” I glowered at him, scrutinizing his expression. He looked at me, and smiled wider. Sinister.

I continued glowering at him, until he burst out laughing.

What. The.

Rolling my eyes in the most obvious way ever, I mustered all the sarcasm that can ever be put in a single syllable. “Boys.”

Chris, isn’t exactly every girl’s romantic prince charming. Yet, despite his immature passion for wrestling as entertainment, he is probably the most understanding and caring person I’ve met. A unique sense of humour with a blend of trying-too-hard-to-be-cool, he turns out to be laid back and adorable in a way. Attractive, too.

There’s always a joke for any occasion when it comes to Chris. No matter how tensed the atmosphere, how stressful things are, he’ll crack up something to lighten up the mood. Never runs out of silly ideas.

I stole a glance at him as I put the air ticket and passport back into my first Louis Vuitton handbag, a present from my dad for being a lousy father. At the corner of my eye, I realised he was stoning, staring off at space, brows slightly furrowed, obviously concentrated on his thoughts. I smacked him on his arms, giving him a slight pursed lip expression. He gazed warmly at me, and smiled. That moment seemed like forever.

As if he could mind-read, he took me in his arms and said, “I……’m sure you’ll kick ass in London.”

Shaddap la idiot. You just ruined my happy moment.

“I’ll kick your butt, goob.”

“Goob?”

“Its an endearment, means I like you alot.”

And, I’ll miss you, too.

*
I’ve wondered if I’ve ever meet a person like him again. I’ve wondered if anyone else could know me inside-out the way he does. I’ve wondered if I can ever trust a person like I trusted him.

Then I realised, it is fate that met us both. There is no other person like him, and that I don’t need another Chris to make my life complete. It already is.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, daydreaming off to a million lightyears away about sweet corny phrases, of little episodes of a perfect love story. I dreamt of outrageous romantic moments that have no place in reality. I dreamt of a perfect man, cute, broad shoulders, mesmerizing eyes and all that.. I dreamt of him, telling me all the things that I wished to hear, showering me with gifts that will melt any girl’s heart. My perfect get away.

“I’ve got something for you.”

My heart raced.

“What is it?” I asked, unable to hide my anticipation.

He took out a small aquamarine box, meekly handed it to me.

“Am I supposed to open it now?”

“Anything lor… if you want to…” His eyes half closed, thin lips with a bored look on his face.

I hesitated a little, then carefully opened the small delicate box. Having watched way too many chick flicks…

I know what it is!

Tiffany’s. “Oh. My God.”

Left speechless, I flipped the heart locket to the back. There was a printed inscription. He got it personalised. Wow.

“J & C. Friends Forever.”

I gaped at it.

Hopeless romantic… Not so hopeless after all.

***
Of course I kept it.

But thinking back about it now, all I can say is “Gosh! The disgustingly corny things people do when they are 16!”

It’s been 10 years. Chris and I never saw each other for 10 long years. We tried to keep in touch, but somehow along the way, we lost contact. I was too busy with my heavily demanding work at UNICEF and managing the dance studio and he hadn’t exactly had the financial ability to come visit me. He probably spent it all on that bracelet when he was 16! (Ha, aren’t I funny.) The last time I heard from him, he was busy learning to cook. Cook. Nope, doesn’t sound right. But even after being showered with presents by lovely family members, friends and ex-boyfriends, that Tiffany never left my wrist. The silver, never lost its shine, it looks almost as good as new. Well, just a whole lot of scratches and dents.

*
“Honey, its just 7 in the morning…its Sunday…”

Frustrated having my knight-in-shining-amour comes to sweep me off my feet moment (old habits never die) interrupted by Kyle, I tried to push him away. But his big innocent brown eyes stared upon me like a lost puppy begging for food.

“Wake up, mommy! Wake up!” he kept nudging me. His efforts pretty much useless, being the lazy pig that I am, I would refuse to budge even if aliens invade. I curled up into a ball and pulled my duvet over my head.

“Someone… the door… ring… bell… wake up…”

“What is it Kyle!?” finally snapping to my senses.

He looked abit dejected, sensing the irritation in my voice. “Someone... at... door.”

“What?”

Before I even manage to compose myself, the door bell rang again. Cursing under my breath, I reluctantly got off my bed, put on my furry slippers, picked Kyle up, and headed for the door.

“Gude mowning mommy” Kyle said, flashing his big sunshiny smile at me.

I stopped at my tracks. Gosh. He is so. Adorable. “Mornin’ sweetie”. I gave him a peck on his large forehead.

Ding-dong.

“Yes, Yes. I’m coming!”

Stunned, I almost dropped Kyle (touch wood!) as I opened the wooden door of my small apartment.

“Chris?”

“Hello Jace. Good morning, and Happy Birthday!”

I stared. Jaw-wide-open-tongue-rolling-out stare. .

“Hi, uh... Chris. Thanks. And uh… what are u doing here?”

“Well, it’s my best friend’s birthday. Why shouldn’t I be here?”

“Right. Very nice of you and wow. Flowers, they're gorgeous..." and my favourite lilies. "Thanks, Chris. Uh… this is Kyle. Erm.. Kyle, say hello to Chris.”

“Hewwo Kwis.”

“Hello you little man, how are you?”

Silence.

“So are you gonna let me in or do you want me to stay out here all day?”

“ Oh my. Just hold on a sec will ya?”

As I grabbed the keys, I stole a look into the mirror at the console. My eye bags were sagging, my hair was all over the place. And I think there’s a patch of drool over my shoulder. Christ, how did it get there? Oh right, thanks Kyle for drooling all over me. This is just perfect.

I fumbled with the keys for a bit too long, but finally, it got in, and clicked. Relieved, I swung the steel door open, careful not to meet his eyes. Too many thoughts, too many questions.

“Come on in.” Hesitating wether I should give him a hug, I put Kyle down on the floor. He leaned over and gave me a peck on both cheeks. My face grew warm, yet I somehow sensed a slight uneasiness in him too.

“Could you sit with Kyle for a little while, I’ll go clean up myself, I look a mess.”

“Oh, sure... And by the way, you look beautiful.”

“Uh, thanks.” Hiding my embarrassment, I forced a quick smile, and went in my room.

Chris was playing wrestle with Kyle when I was finally ready to come out again. He’d make a wonderful father, I can’t help thinking.

He saw me and stopped playing with Kyle. He held his gaze as he stood up. Suddenly, his eyes just flickered back down on the floor.

It was an awkward moment that lasted for what unmistakably was eternity, till he finally blurted out, “So… where’s Kyle’s dad?” a tad bit too enthusiastically, flashing a forceful twitch of his lips.

“Oh… that.” I said, unable to hide the playful smile that crept across my face.

He looked confused, waiting for an answer.

“He’s at Paris with Kyle’s mom, celebrating their anniversary.”

“Sorry? You’ve just completely lost me.” he looked so confused it took me so much effort to stop myself from bursting out laughing.

“They went off for a weekend vacation and left Kyle with me, Mel and xxxx that is... They should be back today.”

Relieved with the information, Chris grinned ridiculously, like a silly little 5 year old child who’s just got a new pet dog.

“Kyle, their kid?”

“Yeap, and I’m Kyle’s proud ‘godmommy’.” I punched Chris on his biceps. Ouch. I had a glimpse of the days of immature arm wrestlings that we had more than a decade ago. They’re alot harder than I’ve remembered.

“Right. Mel better be back soon then, it’s Princess Jace’s big birthday, and Chris, is here to cook breakfast for you.”

“Funny, I’ve never had home-cooked breakfast for the past few years on so called big birthday. And, you. COOK?” I raised my eyebrow mockingly.

“Oh, you do not underestimate me. Good ol’ Chris is now master chef in a bloody 5 star restaurant, okay?”

“Huh. Seriously.” I said, not bothering to cover up the sarcasm in my tone.

We both cracked up. Just like the good old days.

***

“Linnie Binnie… HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR! Oh… is that breakfast I smell? Mmmmmm…… Finally you’re putting that kitchen of yours to good use huh?” Standing at the doorstep, was Mel, my darling hunnie bunnie. And of course, her silent husband that speaks so little he hardly seemed to exist. Whatever. They say, opposites attract, huh?

“Thank you darling, finally back eh? Kyle’s been missing his mommy and daddy a whole lot.”

“Mommmmmyyyyyy……” Kyle came rushing into Mel’s arms. Despite how little that 4 year old kiddo was, he almost knocked Mel over. Little children, charged with incredible amounts of energy.

“Hello sweetie, you missed mommy huh? Mommy bought you sweets from the airport, only if you be good.” She flashed a sweet loving smile, “ So tell me, has godmommy here been torturing you with her horrible cooking for the past few days. What in the world did you do to make her cook breakfast? On a… Sunday Morning?”

“Mommy not cooking. It’s Kwis.”

“Kwis…? What sorry wh.... Ohhhhh.... Chris…? What?” I swear Mel’s pupil just grew thrice its usual size. “Chris as in The Chris?”

“Uh.. Yeah. He’s in the kitchen. Cooking his ‘signature’ dish.”

“Chris, Here? London? Your apartment? Cooking…? Please tell me you're kidding?”

“Well, shouldn’t you go see for yourself? It’s one of the 7 wonders in the world. Well... Eight, now that...” I flicked my finger towards the kitchen and shrugged nonchalantly.

***

It was a late September evening, the sunlight peeking through the canopy of orange and brown leaves in Hyde Park. Every corner you turn, there was yet another pair of them, holding hands, cuddling, or even… sticking their tongues down their lover’s throat. Eww, get a room.

I fiddled with the ruby ring on my finger as I racked my brains to think of something to break the ice.

“It’s pretty cold huh?” Tugging on my brand new Burberry jacket and crossing my arms out front, trying to look relaxed.

“Yeah, it is.”

Okay, not much of conversation going on here. But hey, what was that about silence is golden?

A bunch of teenagers on their skates swooshed by, almost knocking over a pale looking blond girl, very much a teenager herself. A guy in a gorgeous green cashmere sweater looked over with an apologetic smile, his green eyes hinting a glint of perfection, the kind of glint that was almost magical, from a fairytale that a younger version of me would have fallen for. Those were the days…

Chris and I sat down at a bench, taking in the beautiful scenery of the pale orange trace of light in the sky. He had brought along a double blended Mocha Frappucino, a personal favourite of mine ever since I was in the age of a rebel wannabe. It’s funny how some things never change, and some people would always know what’s right for you.

A chilly breeze swept by, sending goose bumps up my spines. As though reading my mind, Chris raised his arms over and gave me a nice warm squeeze. He rested his arms on my shoulders, and he pulled me closer as I rested my head on his broad shoulders. 10 years, freaking 10 years, yet I never thought that I’ve had missed him that badly.

I tilted my head and lay in his chest, feeling it heave up and down peacefully. His deep brown eyes never looked so intense, like the time he looked at me what seems years ago, back when we were carefree and fearless - The time when I stood by watching him from afar fiddling with his locker key as I watched him play Frisbee in the football field, the time when all his friends were not total cows and he didn’t need to act like one when he was with them.

Those memories rushed back to me, filling me with content, peacefulness, and yet a slight hint of regret, regretting that I’ve let him go when he held my hand, let him down when he opened up to me, letting myself fall in love with a person that is so right for me, that I didn’t believe it was true. Afterall, life is, so, unfair.

I went through the painful years, thinking that he doesn’t care anymore, only to convince myself that I was proven right, again and again. Yet, he knew what I needed most, he was there only when I hit the bottom rock, a situation that no other friend could have handled me, or say the right words that he does all the time.

I realised, through his brown eyes, that love never really fades no matter how much you try to wave it away. At the age of 14, I found someone that thoroughly knows me inside out, someone I could communicate with without words, someone that I would always, always forgive no matter how mad I was at him. He was probably the first and only person I’ve fallen for, only to realise that he won’t be there to catch me anymore, but to let me fall and stand up myself again.

“I love you.” My voice came out as a silent whisper.

He gulped, reached over to the bracelet on my wrist, and sorrowfully looked away. An answer that need no other words to explain – friends forever.

It hurts sometimes, to know that, love doesn’t conquer all, especially the things that are not meant to be. But then again, the cruel truth is - even love isn’t perfect.

it really isn't as hard

2010-01-06T17:41:00.003Z

as i thought it would be.

A friend today told me that I trust people too easily, and I naively believe in the best of people. Well, most of the time. The one time I didn't do so, which I still insist in this case I had actually pushed the limits pretty damn far failing to give myself enough evidence to convince myself otherwise, I lost a friend.

Or even, maybe more than a friend.

It was either that, or the person I thought I knew was never really there - he can't even look at me now, I might as well never have existed.

Hurt the 2nd time for a completely different reason.

People judge me and my emotions, my recklessness in expressing my anger and frustration. I admit, I am not the most calm or cool person to begin with, and family background shits are just pretty much an excuse that no one should be able to get away with. Just because you've been through shits doesn't give you the right to give other people shits.
Sure, I whine, I complain, and sometimes I cross the line a little bit and say things that I shouldn't have said. But not once are they things that I haven't thought through, that I really needed to say for a very long time.

I'm not one for confrontations, but in the end of the day, unresolved problems kind of bug me. And once I feel the tiny glitch, it does build up, each day it drives me crazy.

Lately I find days where I'm completely in the dark. Days I could sit in bed under my covers, playing tetris blurry eyed and listening to Muse.
But then I find recovery. I find a way to completely compress those emotions and push it to the side of my head. Once or twice a day I feel my head hurt, my heartbeat pulpitating, and realize the withdrawal symptoms from those damn pills.

But I fight it everyday, even the stronger ones that they give me.

And I do have people who stand right next to me. The unexpected ones as well as familiar old friends.

He looked in my eyes without me having to explain the situation and said to me, "I believe that you are strong enough, because if you weren't you'd have given in a long time ago".

He's the friend that I knew was for keeps at the age of 14.

And I remember the story I wrote that has now come true.

People change, but some of them will stick with you.

wow.

2010-01-05T11:22:00.004Z

i really havent done much camera abusing lately

lol boon.

lol tert.

lol muazhi.

yep, that's all i have from my entire winter break.

ps: need a fairy godmother to make happy things happen!

Hiho

2010-01-02T04:29:00.003Z

Rid of all old ways and here I come!

Took me a while to let the fact sink in that this year I will no longer be a teenager. Hence, I spent the entire day yesterday being sulky and giving into how not taking medications could potentially make me feel. Anti-esthamines give you withdrawal symptoms too, and it's not fun.

To be fair, I think I have grown up quite a while back. I guess it's just a transition period. It should feel good though, but I don't think I felt anything close to that, at least not while I'm alone.

9 days later I'll be sitting back in my cold, little box of a room. Taking in the busy schedule and stress of applications, dance and work. I find it really bizarre how I manage it some times, and still have a couple of hours to chill now and then. Maybe my deteriorating studies are paying for those chill sessions, which means I'm pretty much SCREWED. argh.

I'm so unoptimistic about this year. Have to grow up. Have to stop using the excuse that "my hormones are raging and i'm having PMS so fuck you". It's really contradicting as to how I feel about this term of dance though, somehow I'm dreading it - the long hours of practise. Maybe I've just forgotten how it made me feel. But then I know it's going to make me happy, despite all the expectations and hard-work. Well anyways, come and ask me how I feel when we win that Loughborough competition!

This blog needs some high-spirits and colourful pictures. The same way my life needs the people around me. Sometimes I think I get too dependent on company.

Speaking of company, this year there's gonna be lines with emotional attachments. Because I'm not going to get hurt and go absolutely mental again.

And the lines, they are going to be clearcut and unfuzzy.

32nd dec 2009

2010-01-01T14:19:00.004Z

To be honest, if I were to do it all over again, I'd leave those highschool moments back in highschool.

Of course, it was inspiring, heart-warming and everything of the sort while it lasted, when I found that old friend in him again.

(And I realise how cynical life is - this time, the roles in the situation back then are now completely reversed.)

But its possibly more heartbreaking to lose it all over again, after having promised that it'd never happen.

Surely it wasn't entirely my fault for going absolutely beserk.

Can't blame it all on withdrawal symptoms from medication either, I've already kept it in for quite a while.

If our friendship didn't work the first time, what made me think it'll work now?

uninspired

2010-01-01T06:50:00.005Z

uninspired
did not get the usual feeling you get when the new year arrives and friends are jolly around you.

did not grab a pen and paper first thing in the morning to jot down all the things this year is supposed to be.

in fact, I dont think I've ever felt this alone.

feeling it sink in. the same damn pattern printed on your life, over and over again.

Breaking free. thats one thing I wish to achieve in 2010.

Gravity

2009-12-28T14:37:00.002Z

I remember hearing this song for the first time when I downloaded her album.

I remember getting goosebumps.

I remember playing it on the piano thinking I could dance to this.

I remember listening to her when I was upset, and I felt less alone.

I remember telling YiPeng I wish I could choreograph to this song.
I remember showing it to Shaun and he didn't quite appreciate it. In fact, half way through his phone fucking rang and he picked up and chatted happily away.
Then Yoshie showed me this video at 4.30 in the morning.

It wasn't just goosebumps that I got.

It's so incredibly beautiful.

That 2 months later, I'm still watching it, for maybe the 50th time.

And still feeling every bit of it run through me.

Dance is my drug :)

even by just watching it.

morganstanleydeustchebankcitigroupoliverwymancreditsuisse

2009-12-22T18:57:00.006Z

I should be channeling my non-professional ability of stringing words together into cover letters for investment banks that I'm not even really that fond off...
Find it really bizarre how I still manage to sit here and have thoughts running through my head at 3am, after what seemed hours of clicking through career websites and then pool and sheesha (which kind of hit my head, but definitely hit my lungscough). I swear I need to take on that whole quitting thing again, although my reasons for doing it didn't really apply to when I'm home - the whole too-many-things-to-do-but-too-little-time issue.

But the thing is I kind of have my ~~excuses~~ reasons now for spending time my inhaling shit into my already screwed up lungs.

In the middle of the night.

Because we kind of bond over that bong of sucidal crap. or the other alternative which I completely suck balls at - pool.

I don't know if he feels it but I do.

Feels like we're friends again. After 3 months of foreign, distant, msn messages. (and only a handful of times, mostly on irrelevant subjects, sometimes either one of us drunk, sometimes just a couple words of formality).

Sometimes I feel selfish not giving him space to vent, especially when I'm whining all the time

How do you tell a person you care, but not by actually saying it?

cuz tis the season for celebrations

2009-12-20T16:48:00.003Z

and missing the way your fingers intertwined between mine.

But as much as I do want to, I can't sit around waiting for you to make up your mind.

No metaphors, no censors

2009-12-14T17:00:00.000Z

There was a point of time in my immature teenagehood (which, is now coming to an end - bah!) that I screwed around a bit. I don't know why I did it, but I knew that it made me feel good. After this amazing guy let me down (which I still find he's an amazing friend), I had this constant need to prove to other people, or rather, myself, that I could get any guy that I wanted. Which is almost very possible, depending on how you would define the term "get". If there's anything that requires raging hormones, you probably WILL score big if you were to be just relatively better looking.

Of course I got my heart broken, even though I thought I didn't even care enough for anything like the sort to happen. But I did care, and it was slowly just eating into me - believe it or not, you do get tired after a while. It took one massive screw up to tip me over- I constantly told him that we're never going to happen, partly because I did believe it, and also because I felt that it kind of gave me control of the relationship. The fact that I knew I could waive it away whenever I got bored, and still be able to say 'I told you so' kind of gave me a kick.

But he was a better player.

In fact, he was the real player. Screwing around with 3 girls, and telling people about it but still not having them find out for months? (for my case, until a few hours ago in a coffee shop) He was definitely more out of it than I was. And he got out before I DID!

DAYMNE.

I rebounded. with the person whom I clearly thought was the one, my amazing friend. And believed when he told me that everything happens for a reason. Funny enough I believed that HE was the reason, even though at that point of time, things were so unbelievably complicated. Fingers crossed, I waited for my miracle to happen.

But then a few weeks in, something reminded him about how it didn't work out in the first place. I was annoyed and disappointed when he told me he's calling it off because he feels like he won't be able to give us 100%. "and even when 2 people give each other 110% in a relationship it might not even work out, how do you expect to give it a 50-50 and hope for it to work?" . It didn't make sense at the time, I felt like he was just using the excuse for being pussy and not giving it a try at all.

But it make sense now, the way I feel now does.

I wouldn't say I'm completely fine with whatever that just happened over the past month, that I feel nothing of sadness or disappointment, frustration or angst. The lack of it did surprise me, and I thought maybe it was because I was being let down too much, that I have gotten used to it. But then I realise one thing is that I don't regret it at all, because I know that I've done everything that I could have done, giving it 110%. Taking a step back when I wasn't sure, thinking everything through before moving ahead.

It turns out that although it didn't give me a happy ending, giving 110% does work. Because you heal better when you know that there isn't any "what could have been if i did this or that". I knew that the problem wasn't me, and I got around to empathizing, not in a i-dont-want-to-move-on way, but in a good way.

And most importantly, I know I will always still have that amazing friend right next to me, nudging me with approval and encouragement.

Here's the end of my phase, and I've learned to be a bigger person.

fuck it. i'm done being nice

2009-12-11T02:11:00.001Z

because people stop caring the moment you stop acting like a bitch.

The way I am

2009-12-07T11:55:00.002Z

Because sometimes it's just not worth giving a shit about the fucking game, or bothering to defend yourself against what other people say. Who cares what they think anyway?

I've tried to pull the walls down only to have that bloody abused and fucking trampled upon. People know when you are getting sucked in. And most people take advantage of it, even the ones you never expect to. But fair enough, cuz you won't ever catch me that much off guard. Happiness don't last very long, like that pair of jimmy choos or a new teddy bear - people get bored of it.

Why be contented with what you have when you can have so much more, right?

mellowness and heart flips

2009-11-24T01:31:00.003Z

Tired, and knee-fucked.

But she gives me so much inspiration I could choreograph to her entire album.

So much better live than I can remember her on record :)

I guess things like art, music, dance.. sometimes they are good when you can relate.

After all its about being expressive.

And I like her because she sings and writes so honestly.

I miss my piano, and I hardly even touch my guitar over here, what with lugging it across the globe and spending 35quid on a shit amp

If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I'd find a match

Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better

Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
You take me the way I am
You take me the way I am

Philo essay

2009-11-22T21:41:00.002Z

Was supposed to be doing that philo essay due, but then I got caught up philosophizing about my own little world.

Couple of things have been annoying me lately. The way things don't quite work out the way you plan it in your head. And also, disappointing people, not doing things you're meant to be doing, or you said you'd do. Because time management is so, fucking hard.

People think I blatantly whip up excuses of being ill, having injured my knee and what not. Sometimes, I too, find myself a wimp coming up with lame excuses. I can do better!!!!!!!!

Don't even realise it until you've been told in the face. Maybe it's just about less complaining, procrastinating, and whining about everything. But. Why is it not justifiable to give yourself a little time to relax, in between one of those never-ending lists of commitments.

It irritates me how some people around me are just so freaking jobless, but they get the things they need to do done. Be it last minute or not, at least they have a more promising CV than I do.

And then they comment about the non-existent purpose in my everyday business. Why ever have a passion for music and dance? When you can get away just perfectly fine without having them? Why feel the need to be sad, the want to be sad, when you give up something you indulge in, you enjoy, when you know its probably not going to give you anything else practical.

I know I'm doing crazy subjects that are just bloody sucidal, and when I just shrug and give them a nice smile, they don't know that I'm actually just panicking, knowing I wouldn't do well, knowing that it won't be because I can't do well, but that I'm not disciplined enough to lead the life I want to have.

I want everything from uni.

I want to learn about the things I'm interested in, I want to do things I'm good at, I want to make many friends, acquaintances, or maybe just happen to find a little bit more than that.

And also
I deserved my fucking part.

why
is it so difficult to give things up.

Happiness in a Purple Box

2009-11-14T14:18:00.002Z

I've got mine,
Have you??

Lin in her happy bubble

2009-11-09T21:47:00.001Z

like a 5 year old with candies for christmas :D

Sorry the blog is so dead. I fail to come up with any mildly amusing/entertaining every time.

Essay due in 3 days.

0 word done :)

i <3 Jazz ! :D

Complete MIA

2009-10-17T00:12:00.002+01:00

Yes and now we have internet in the flat, which means I am very much distracted from work (wow, it's only week 2 and i'm working), downloading the pretty much 30 odd albums, making my itunes library a 16 day loop.

The house party is tomorrow :) we'll see if i can be bothered to make bloody puddings.

I do actually enjoy the cooking - done absolutely nothing today but cooked a pot of wonderful chicken casserole, just like the ones lourdes used to make.

Just so people know I'm still alive, watching the 1 or 2 odd episodes of topgear I have left on my hard drive (THANK GOD for bittorrent now I can actually download more into my very pathetic stash)

Oops i'm meant to do something about the China trip.... in terms of journal-keeping. bah. Pictures will do- next time. Right now - WORK! (and its a Friday night, whatever happened to the Lin you used to know?)

young punks.

2009-09-25T18:33:00.008+01:00

collar up sunnies on with a bluetooth headset driving a beamer.

stereotypical cock.
or the guy that i completely fell for...

good to know the dei that I know is still somewhere in there

LOL jeremy clarkson. who isn't watching topgear nowadays?

roast beef.

2009-09-23T17:00:00.002+01:00

Sometimes it gets a little too frustrating, dilemmas that I could never speak of to a soul, plainly because it's not anyone's problem to deal with, not even mine.

To be fair, I don't really have a say, I never have. Either ways, I lose. What's the point of planning strategy to a losing battle?

I've been stalling for a while now, plainly just sucking it up and covering ~~one~~both eyes, counting down the days I would have to go by dodging those questionings and interrogation. I guess my best bet is just to keep my distance for as long as I can.

From that, I just feel exhausted, having no one relevant to seek advice from, plainly because I can't put the situation out in facts and words well enough to explain to someone else let alone to weigh its pros and cons. I'm just as confused as a cow staring at a nuclear explosion.

4 days till the hectic schedule starts again. Balancing social life, a career path, academic performance, physical fitness, my passions (dance and music), isn't quite as difficult and mind numbing as where I stand now.

Of course I do complain, sometimes I wish I could go on a week whine-detox and completely rid of my nagging and moodswings annoying various people.

On a brighter note,

fuck it. I don't have any bright notes to sing about melodiously today.

China photos will have to wait.

hello from casino land

2009-09-01T14:59:00.005+01:00

Left dimsum land today via ferry after much overdosing on siumais and never-ending shopping sprees.

view out of the hotel room :) staring at them pretty nightlights blinking in the dark right this moment

daddy's favourite shop. lol vip discount wtf

guai leng gou

$$$$$$$
and eggtarts

need to go swim the calories off..... maybe tomorrow :p

ps: when i mentioned less indulgent the last time, I really thought so. But so far trip's been nothing like workworkwork but more of eateateat stuff myself and get a massively round stomach. so much for doing something more productive for the rest of my holidays
zzzzzzz

mentalllllllllllllllll

2009-08-27T18:34:00.002+01:00

still feeling the after-effects. >.<
1 day left to the 1 month china trip
finally something less indulgent for my summer hol

i'll miss you :)

longest weekend yet

2009-08-21T07:08:00.001+01:00

lol
Yih wei's birthday on Saturday,
and i got him Chuck Season 2
(from the pirated dvd shop)
So he can hog the tv 24-7.

I'm such an amazing sister

i'm invisible

2009-08-19T17:05:00.000+01:00

and stupid as hell.

Can't help the guilt everytime I get angry at someone who's feeling down all the time.

So I take it out on myself.

Our drunken champagne escapades

2009-08-18T18:43:00.000+01:00

Admittedly, it wasn't a very rational idea in the first place.
But since when does alcohol & rationality come hand in hand?
Yet in the end, I'm probably the biggest loser from it all
Turns out what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I really wanted.
False hopes and disappointments aside, it's already put a toll on our friendship.

Was it worth it?

I'm watching

2009-08-16T19:31:00.009+01:00

SKINS

First 2 or 3 episodes were way too much nudity, sex, drugs and booze. But it grew on me after a while. definitely worthy of it's higher rating on IMDB than most American teen drama series.

Finished season1 in 2 days.
I need to get a life.

This one is for aitert

2009-08-15T18:13:00.001+01:00

New girl of #53, Jillian

I don't know what overcame me, but it was so overwhelming and unexpected. One minute I was skipping up that 4o over steps going to that familiar house that used to be my second home, next I'm standing in a queue of a potluck party, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous that I am at the verge of sobbing.

I walked into the house and how strange is it to find a place completely different yet exactly the same at the same time? I was standing in the circular area next to what used to be the living room TV looking out into where a pond was. I thought about the days we used to have tuition in here, and watch cartoons together afterwards. Oh and also, spinning to the broken gym cycling machine. It surprised me that I could remember exactly the way it used to look like, this was the first time I've been in that house after she's moved out 3 or 4 years ago.

She didn't understand a word I was saying when I called her on the phone, squatting at the very gate I used to squat at when I was locked out of my own house. Haha, don't worry, I'm not weird. I squat by those drains to avoid the scorching sun while I was back then in my scratchy school uniform, waiting for her maid to come get the door. Anyways, it's pink now, not the familiar white anymore.

btw tert, this is ur pink gate LOL

At this point I was laughing and crying at the same time, I told her I miss her, and gave her a little update on how I was feeling lately - emotionally unstable. It's not that I'm depressed and confused. I really can't place the feeling, it's so odd. It's like I'm feeling really inspired at times, and it's days like that that I really have faith and things. I didn't have to come till today to realise how precious our friendship is, and how easily things can pick up from where we left off, how even though we've changed so much or disagree with each other's perspective, our support for each other is still rock solid.

After the supposedly potluck rukun tetangga ss19 party, I went to join aunty jackie and some Bilden friends for drinks at JayaOne. By the time I've already forgotten about my camera, obviously. But it's a nice place to chill nevertheless, and I'll make up the lack of pictures with a stolen link of review :p

here. http://www.eatnplay.com.my/?p=3344

It's only today that I found out that she and I have the same dream about UNICEF. This sort of proves that it was no mistake at all putting her down as my reference in my CV. lol. Well, then again, she's more of a godmother to us Bilden students I feel, not just a reference. Everytime during our sharing sessions we learn alot about our different perspectives in life, how we're most likely all having the same problems. ~~Well, besides my beloved brother, we came to a conclusion that his life is empty >.<~~ ~~Nah, he just doesnt share well.~~

Anyways, I feel blessed to have such an amazing mentor and guidance that I can seek to once in a while, knowing she'll always have a way to make you see the other side of a situation, and the bigger picture of life.

I have yet to find a balance with my logical and emotional self, but I think this is just a phase that everybody goes through. I think so far I'm doing well though, cuz at the end of the day, I can still spit out a string of positive thoughts before I go to sleep.

Even so, I feel sorry for friends who seem to be drowning in their own problems sometimes, I feel helpless that I can't make a difference by saying things and trying to explain how inspiration changed the way I think about stuff, making them feel the way I do. And aunty jackie's passion is one huge chunk of inspiration. Bilden helped me through alot of that soul searching business, how to be free and creative, take life one step at a time, and try not to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. (Only we didn't really notice it when we were like 7)

Like haiming said, Life's too short, so live it!

unnatural

2009-08-14T18:20:00.000+01:00

It's like putting a deadline on something that you absolutely cannot control.

I've said that I'm not looking at the moment, that I'm taking a break from all this. Yet, he still doesnt trust me better for making the right judgements - we'll get back on track when he's absolutely sure that I won't make myself miserable again, being when I've found my significant other.

The thing is I'm not miserable. Actually, its very much far from that. I recall all our immature bantering and thumbwars on the long train ride, none of them were any bit miserable at all.

Feeling so helpless about rescuing our friendship.

Hopefully he'll be right, that some good things will come knocking when you least expect it to. If it means I'll have my close friend back, I'll wait :)

By the way, my favourite little fatty's turned 12 21!

Oh dear, look at him eye-ing the cake(sssss).

There's one close friend right there that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

My beautiful grandparents

2009-08-13T17:32:00.008+01:00

This will probably be our last one.
And dad needs a wardrobe make-over

I saw this picture of us and it was like I wasn't angry anymore. Lately, I've felt more understood, by just people around me. It made me consider understanding abit more, before I start judging and taking sides. To be honest, we're all still slaves to our temper and impatience, that was what came between us in the first place. Yet we held it together for a while now, it's no doubt us 2 children have became the pillar. It's tough being in between, and I'm still in the process of learning how to let go. I may not be good enough just yet, letting my temperamental moods hurt those that care so much, but at least I'm trying. Can't help but think, if only we could be as much big hearted and forgiving as my dear grandparents are. They've done so much to keep our family together.

Often, we lose sight of what's important because of what we want now.

pets wonderland downsized, again :(

2009-08-12T06:03:00.000+01:00

i want a puppy

That guilt that eats us up

2009-08-10T20:29:00.001+01:00

Why are there lines for physical attachment,

but none for emotional?

I've been happy lately

2009-08-09T11:51:00.000+01:00

Not so-happy-until-can-die happy, but just contented. I guess mediocre, relatively busy lifestyle could be great after a bunch of downs, especially when I'm kept occupied.

Saw this a few days before on Panda's msn:
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, then we'd all fall off!

Because I thought this time it was gona be different

2009-08-08T11:43:00.006+01:00

All I can say is- been there, done that.

Lately I've been saying that to myself alot, yet I still let myself dig the same holes and make the same mistakes. The thing is, I don't think that I've learnt enough yet. Everytime a situation comes along, I say to myself, This must be it. This time, I will toughen up. This time, I won't let myself slip.

But in the end of the day, its the feeling that doesn't go away, no matter what time of the month it is. It's not just pressure, drive or lust. It's that you care.

And it's true what they say about caring less giving you the upper hand. But that's one of the things that I cannot bring myself to do. Not caring.

Hence, I give myself all the excuses in the world to have that little bit of hope. Only to have it knowingly crushed, stamped, and trampled upon.

But it's okay, because this time I'll see the light as it is. No what-ifs and no maybes. It only takes a little courage to save a friendship, and I do treasure them very very much.

This time, I will toughen up.

it's been busy... but I do miss them already.

2009-07-30T19:30:00.000+01:00

As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me

just friends

2009-07-28T06:57:00.002+01:00

and I should be grateful that he's still around, even not as my pillar of hope, just any other pillar. I know he's the kind of guy who goes out of the way to give friends his support.

I think I could make it work. Not just try and make it work but actually do.

No crossing lines this time. It only makes things more complicated.

And I like them simple the way they were. The way we could just talk.

Maybe I was scared before, to lose something that could've been there. But i know now that whatever I said or did wouldn't have made a difference. Nowthat its all out in the open and clear cut, maybe I could think better.

Maybe Jenna will never get that Golf GTI

but it's gonna be okay.

that time of the year again

2009-07-20T20:09:00.003+01:00

tert we miss you so much.

Burnnnn 'em calories! Well, at least, trying to.

2009-07-14T13:30:00.005+01:00

New hair
New cheongsam
New rack thingy to hold my twinkle-twinks
Possibly need another one of those, its not just shoes I have too many of ;)

Senior Citizens

2009-07-11T16:51:00.003+01:00

10 years ago, dinner conversations revolved around their children and people being kidnapped in parking lots.
Today, it still revolves around children (although less), but what came into discussion was kidney stones, blood pressure and of course, miracle herbal remedies.

The only people laughing at the table while the ladies were chattering about various menopausal symptoms were 2 husbands and a 19 year old girl - we clearly do not understand enough to empathize. I find it particularly amusing how us females could manipulate our way through life by using our hormones as an excuse.

Got me thinking, if 35 years later I'd be any different. Maybe I'll wind up having yet another one of my cuckoo phase, and then surely, blaming them on the estrogens (or rather, the lack there of)

Meh. 3 hours of where-are-you-cheahyipeng-when-i-need-you-?.

On another note, what surprised me today was how I still managed to have an apetite after one too many cheongsam fittings for the grandmother's very grand 80th birthday (yes I almost ripped my old one apart, thanks to 'em big bottoms.)

Ipoh Nga Choi Gai

They opened a new branch in Mid Valley. Reminds me of good old days in CHS.

This is the kind of satisfaction that money can't buy.