Whether or not you believe in Fate comes down to one thing: who you blame when something goes wrong? Do you think it's your fault - that if you'd tried better, worked harder, it wouldn't have happened? Or do you just chalk it up to circumstance?
-19 Minutes, Jodi Picoult.
The thing is, I always believe that what you get is what you earn. I'd never hesitate to look at person who does no work and secretly think that he deserved it, even though I might be less harsh in expressing myself right at his face.
Come exam period, I've learnt that most of my friends in halls put in half the effort compared to myself and the rest of my Asian friends. While we were at the library slaving away, they were out partying at Mahiki or some other random hotspot, drinking and dancing, carefree, like there were no other worries in the world.
Although the next day, they do come to me and tell me they are screwed.
What I tell them is , "Don't worry about it, you won't fail."
However, what I told myself was "This is why there are people who get firsts, and people who retake first year".
Queitly in my own time, I am relieved. Because in the end when I thought about it - Really, how badly could I do, if I'm putting in this much effort in my work in comparison to these people?
That was always how it worked. I think that if people wanted it enough, they would always get what they want, eventually.
But, what if?
What if you've read the whole text book cover to cover, twice, made notes, highlighted. And then, realise you still don't understand the concepts.
Even worse, what if - you walk into the exam hall thinking: Yeah, I'm so going to nail this... Only to open up the first page of the exam sheet realising you do not understand what you're even being asked for.
What if something go wrong?
What if Determination didn't pay off?
What if Patience didn't pay off?
What if whatever you do (that makes sense) in order to achieve what you want, doesn't matter?
That in the end, someone else who hasnt done quite as much as yourself, get what they want, but you don't?
What do you do?
Do you wait it out some more? Do you try again? Do you give up? Or do you try to track back and weed out what you've done not quite so right that you thought you have?
What if you've done things differently?
What if you didn't flap those wings and cause a storm at the other side of the sea?
What if you are the weed at someone's doorstep waiting to be thrown out?
Life is what happens when all the what-ifs didn't come true, when what you dreamed or hoped or feared might come to pass passed by instead.
I dont think I know what to expect anymore, in both circumstances which I am now standing here, waiting.
I remember hearing in a chapel service, about how waiting is the most difficult part. When you expect something, but it isn't quite here yet. And whatever you do now wouldn't change how things would turn out to be.
But I think it doesn't have to do with how long you wait.
Like, results will be out on the 15th of July, and I know, come that day I will be in front of my computer refreshing the screen at however quick my index finger takes me.
But what if there wasn't a deadline to waiting? All you can do is wait, and not know wether something'll happen or that when eventually it does happen, you don't know.
Will it be good, or bad?
But even if its bad, is really that bad?
I've seen how bad things happen reminded me of how good things are supposed to be like. How I'm happier than what I could have been, and how little the things are that I appreciate.
Maybe that's how its meant to work.
And maybe, in the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you do.
All you can do is keep those fingers crossed.
Lin crashed
@ 10:53 AM | Permalink |
