I finally know what it means when he said "dance from an honest place". Today, I found that place for me. It wasn't at pointing my feet or opening out that fan kick, neither was it at keeping my balance at the turns, doing deep plies or jumping mighty high. Its the place where your breathing goes with your movement, in and out, holding and letting go. For a moment, everything is about your body and the music, being aware of all that energy sent out through your fingertips while you stay grounded to your very last toe.
I have been waiting for that hand to reach out to me and invite me to go on and dance for the class. But today, I wasn't expecting it, neither was I hopeful. The talent in this class was brimming, with triple turns and almost 180 degrees kicks, and with arms with such softness and perfect lines. And yet, the hand reached out for me and I saw the encouraging smile in his face. I got up and stood in the middle of the room, and everything else disappeared.
I took a deep breath, and once my hand moved up my rib to clutch the side of my lungs, then rebounding away from me, I knew I found my place. I stopped focusing on where I needed to be the next second, and started enjoying the prolonged moments of stretch, contract, and release. Next thing I know I was actually reaching out for something after those chaines. Something was pulling me and it felt rather surreal. Sure I missed a move or two, but I've never felt more proud of myself, because it stopped mattering, getting the choreography spot on. I've made the piece my own. I put in every best interpretation I could throughout and it felt magical.
I didn't actually need that reassuring pat on the arm and a face full of approval to tell me that I've done it. Connect with someone. Because from what had just happened I've invited the whole world inside mine. To see things the way I see it.
Today, I have been completely converted to a religion called contemporary dance.
It's funny how time and space separate events. We say "This time last year...", "The last time I was here we stood right at this very spot...", "This is the place where we used to..." etc. Certain places and dates trigger nostalgic memories, that leads to plentiful emotions spilling over. Sometimes we acknowledge it then go back to hide in our busy daily lives. But have you paused for a moment, and really looked back and see what went right, wrong, good, badly during the times when you were happy, sad or angry?
True that its best to put the past behind, but... there may be a time where history will serve you best. It may give you a glimpse, a hint if not the answer to what you were looking for, remind you of what's most important to you, and help you sensibly make the right decisions.
Today I sat there alone(albeit only for 5 short minutes) fighting a thick haze of the past, searching memories and emotions. I wouldn't say I found a clear answer, but I definitely did see an unquestionable hint that my present self did not quite like. I don't yet have the courage to do what I know is right, but maybe some day I will. and maybe when I'm ready, my actions will be appreciated and my feelings understood. Afterall, I can't keep lying to everyone including myself.
Whoever said absence made the heart grow fonder probably never experienced prolonged distance. In today's world, what happened 2 months ago hardly even matters. And to keep something intact requires so much patience, that which I do not possess.
Patience. Maybe it is a quality I should work on, or maybe the lack of it made me more resourceful and efficient.
After all, there's always 2 ways of looking at things.
Maybe it'll all be okay in a week's time. Patience.
I've recently arrived at a new chapter of my life. Thing is, I never thought turning 21 would make me feel so grown up. I guess its sort of a process rather than something that happens immediately. Its good that things are slightly more definite and predictable now adays. Apart from who my flat mate is going to be for the next year (which I'm completely stressing out about), everything else seemed to have fallen into place, puzzles fixing itself.
I've sacrificed a lot to come to this point, not just physically and mentally, with all the time-consuming, nerve-wrecking hurdles, I've also given up too much emotionally, to be here. Whether its the right thing, I do not know, but its probably the reason why I've been writing less. Putting things in a corner seems less of a chore, when you have actual chores to do every evening after a day of work (hours are great, I'm not complaining).
Some part of me still wishes that some things were different, I wish that I could find another sense of this stability in a parallel universe somewhere without sacrificing my emotions.
But then again, I find that as I grow up it becomes easier to listen to your head rather than your heart. Rationality gradually instilled itself in me, and after a while it just becomes as natural as writing my own name.
Today was not particularly miserable or depressing. In fact today was a good day. I was productive, had the sun on my face for 2 whole hours, did the whole therapeutic cooking thing (even though it was just scrambling up some left over on the stoves), had incredibly comforting left-over home cooked meal with the lemon grass in my freezer, which a month ago was still sitting in my actual garden in Malaysia. Today was a good day.
Doesn't really feel like that much of a big hoo-haa. don't know what all the fuss is about.
Mom's been hanging about in London driving me crazy.
Also, I'm 21. Not quite sure what that means.
I've left the whole MSN chatting / blogging scene. Feeling a tiny bit lonely now that I'm signing on and noone seems to be around.
Reading back on some old post and unsurprisingly still finding myself attached to bits and bobs of the past. Maybe some day the nostalgia will go away....
Usually this time of the year, I have many things to rant about.
But surprisingly now I do not.
So let's give this a go.
He's not the only one that gets frustrated when I keep feelings locked in just for myself.
Wonder what has become of my chitty-chatti-ness and ability to strike up conversations to random strangers.
This year most of the things I've asked for has worked out, albeit not perfectly, but it's getting there... Just in the oven, toasting. Hopefully I don't burn it.
Things have been inching towards the general direction of good lately :)
Today made me realize what I love about school - Development & Dance.
Besides, I also just had the most awesome shower of my life.
Fosse is absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to Jazz.
Back to being completely out of breath drilling routines and doing a gazillion sit ups and pirouettes. It's only gonna get more intense from now on. I have to keep reminding myself to eat for these things, it really does take a lot.
Despite being grateful I have more time on my hands now that I've given up doing Aguillera's Ain't no other man for Timeless, I sit around and watch in envy as they shake dirty moves to one of my favourite songs in my "to-dance-to-before-i-die" list.
Other than that, one more step towards saving the world now that I've secured my very first assessment centre to a real internship that could potentially be my window to a real job. Fingers crossed.
Pinky promise to myself - Gonna work hard this term! :) extra extra extra hard!
Bad timing my foot. Since when are we ever not bogged down with some kind of an issue/problem/shit to deal with? When is it ever not bad timing? You can whine all you want, but please for your own sake, man the fuck up and deal with it. I'm tired of making up excuses for you.
